Monday, August 27, 2007

‘There is no god but Allah and Mohammad is his messenger’ balls

One has to pity the US forces in Afghanistan. A simple attempt to spread a little goodwill through the universal language of football – which is variously considered by its adherents to be akin to a religion if not a political struggle - is bearing all the hallmarks of becoming a major international incident.

They stand accused of ‘insulting Islam’ for distributing footballs bearing the name of Allah. It is reminiscent of ‘Allah’ on Nike trainers or Burger King ice cream. But in this case they were damned if they do, and damned if they don’t, for the name of Allah flies regularly from flagpoles all over Saudi Arabia, and Cranmer has never heard complaints that he has been hoist aloft and hung out in all weathers. To have omitted the Saudi flag would also have been an insult, so the whole design of the ball is an example of US ‘insensitivity’.

The flag features the Shahada, the Islamic declaration of faith: ‘There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his messenger’ – and people were going to kick it…

And now the Mullahs of Afghanistan are leading demonstrations against ‘the West’.

Cranmer finds this a little rude. The footballs were intended as gifts for the children, and when one is in receipt of a gift, the normal rules of social etiquette demand that one politely accepts it even if it is destined for the dustbin. But not when you’re dealing with Mohammedan Mullahs. They could have chosen to politely point out the insensitivity, on the quiet, permitting a subtle withdrawal and rectification. But no, they are marching, shouting, and protesting, and will no doubt soon be burning effigies and killing someone.

Where in Islam might Christians purposely look for offence where none (presumably) is intended?


Anonymous Sir HM said...

Your Grace

When are all you liberal-minded nice people going to realise that the true offence is given by your very existence as non-Mohammedans.

All else is just used as an excuse to demonstrate this offence. Anything will do.

Complete separation of Islam and Mohammedans from the rest of the world is the only resolution to this - they keep to their parts of the world, we keep to ours. They will still be offended by our existence, but unable to express it in any way that hurts anyone other than themselves.

Perhaps they will, after a few famines for which they received no help, learn to control their reproduction rates. After that, as they slip back closer and closer to the stone age, they may learn that the source of their problems is not the rest of the world's non-Mohammedan people, but their holy book.

But I'm wasting the skin of my fingertips aren't I!

27 August 2007 at 10:00  
Anonymous Dr Mabuse said...

You can see their point...they go on The Hajj and circle the Ka'aba to drive out the evil spirits and throw stones at Al-Uzzah and Manat so Al-Lah gets the place in the pantheon of the Moon God to himself.....and then footballs turn up and they are not even little green footballs

All grist to the mill of the Mad Mullahs

27 August 2007 at 12:00  
Anonymous najistani said...

Sir H M said "Complete separation of Islam and Mohammedans from the rest of the world is the only resolution to this"

That would be very bad news for the Labour Party's bank balance, since they're one of the major slush-funders:

Hat tip Green Arrow at

27 August 2007 at 12:32  
Blogger Ted said...

The BBC report on this mentioned that it was 100 protestors , not IMHO signs that a great number of Afghanis or even their mullahs were that bothered. What made it so newsworthy then for the BBC I wonder? Couldn't be anti-Americanism could it?

27 August 2007 at 16:18  
Anonymous nedsherry said...

Some criticism should be directed America's way too and I wouldn't be surprised if this was deliberate provocation. It's hard to believe any Muslim asked for advice on the ball wouldn't have pointed out that it would cause trouble. I'm an Islamophobic atheist but I wouldn't want to kick a football bearing an Islamic text. Or a Christian text, for that matter. And look at what's right next to the Saudi flag: the Israeli flag, for heathen's sake! Even assuming all this wasn't deliberate, with people as crass and ignorant as the Americans waging war on Islamofascism, bin Laden might as well be advising the White House.

27 August 2007 at 17:19  
Anonymous CCTV said...

oH come on those footballs were probably Made in Pakistan like most of them

27 August 2007 at 18:06  
Blogger Harry Hook said...

Why didn't they just give them some balls with George Bush and Tony Blair's face printed on them? ...then everyone would have been happy. I'm sure that Afghan insurgents and coalition troops would have got together for a 72+ hour kick-about.

27 August 2007 at 18:30  
Anonymous Fred said...

Aren't they left overs from the last World Cup, where they suffered the same bleating "outrage" that they are getting now. Baaa.

27 August 2007 at 18:56  
Anonymous najistani said...

Give them old-fashioned footballs made out of pig's bladders and see how they enjoy blowing them up (one way or another)

27 August 2007 at 19:47  
Blogger S said...

Muslims are offended by the existence of non-muslims. Anything at all done by a non-muslim is an offense to a Muslim, whether it be breathing, working, or sleeping. They cannot be placated, so they must simply be isolated as Sir HM said above. They must be rooted out of Western society like a cancer and left to shrivel as they regress into the past. Right now they thrive as parasites on the West, but if the West is no longer available to them as a food source, they will shrink. This is what must be forced to happen, otherwise, like a cancer they will kill the host.

27 August 2007 at 19:52  
Blogger Cranmer said...

His Grace thinks there are some awful generalisations going on. He knows quite a few Muslims, some of whom might even be termed 'secular' Muslims, and these have no desire at all to eliminate the kuffar. Whilst some may be malignant, the majority may well be benign.

27 August 2007 at 20:32  
Anonymous Sir HM said...

But Your Grace, how do we tell the difference?

The most formidable (I mean that in the best of senses)individual personality I ever met was a Muslim in one of the Gulf states, and he didn't have a bad bone in his body that I could detect.

I fully understand that individual Mohammedans are good and bad the same as any other kind of people, but why should we run the risk when the consequences of getting it wrong are so horrendous?

27 August 2007 at 20:49  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Muslims are offended by the existence of non-muslims. Anything at all done by a non-muslim is an offense to a Muslim

US spelling of "offence"....

27 August 2007 at 20:56  
Blogger Cranmer said...

Sir HM,

His Grace happens to believe that those who adhere to a religion/faith/cult are all, ultimately, individuals. Does not 'knowing the difference' come from relationship? Is relationship not the essence of phileo love? Is it not the imperative of agape? All Mohammedans no more want to eliminate the kuffar than all Roman Catholics want the British out of Ulster. Indeed, all Catholics did not want His Grace burnt alive; he was, after all, appointed by the Pope. There is a broad spectrum, and religio-political maturity demands antennae for each and every wavelength.

27 August 2007 at 21:06  
Blogger the doctor said...

I was going to leave a post but SirHM
said exactly what I thought ,well done that man !!

27 August 2007 at 21:25  
Blogger wonkotsane said...

These Jihadi's are pathetic - they'll find offence in anything and everything. The yanks should track them down and shove those footballs up their durka's.

27 August 2007 at 22:31  
Anonymous CCTV said...

The US mistake was to drop them from helicopters which gave the impression they were deliveries from Allah himself to be revered alongside the piece of basalt in Mecca - itself supposedly a meteoric relic

28 August 2007 at 07:00  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Meteoric relic" indeed - a mere pebble! Our deity weighs in at 66 tons, which makes Allah seem like a bantam weight.
If you feel the need to worship extraterrestrial minerals then visit our site at

Hobah Akhbar !!!

- Hobammed (Final Prophet of Almighty Hobah)

28 August 2007 at 12:53  
Anonymous nedsherry said...

Indeed, all Catholics did not want His Grace burnt alive; he was, after all, appointed by the Pope.

And what happened to His Grace? He was burnt alive.

There is a broad spectrum, and religio-political maturity demands antennae for each and every wavelength.

It also demands the recognition that some bands of the broad Muslim spectrum are much more powerful than others. When a Muslim sun is shining in the sky, certain things wither and die. Muslims are like blacks: once they're dominant, you can kiss goodbye to Western civilization.

28 August 2007 at 15:39  
Blogger Hettie said...

I'm with Ted on this matter. Since when is it the remit of the BBC to report on a demo which was attended by only a 100 people? And the tone of the report was as Ted suggests.

(I hope the code is working. If not, apologies)

28 August 2007 at 22:02  
Anonymous Jack Rich said...

You ask, "Where in Islam might Christians purposely look for offence where none (presumably) is intended?"

A better question is, "Why are there so many Muslim lands where Christians and other non-Muslims may not worship freely?"

Or, "Why are Christians being persecuted in places as diverse as Pakistan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Sudan?"

The only thing these places have in common is their shared Muslim faith.

To which I say, God will deal with the Muslims, in His time, if not our own.

28 August 2007 at 22:47  
Anonymous Observer said...

The Maoist President of the EU Commission has welcomed election of Gul as Islamist President of Turkey whose job description includes supposedly control over the Armed Forces and suggested renewed discussions on Turkey taking over the EU........I wonder if Barroso would be as welcoming if Northern European states all elected Hyper-Calvinists as political leaders ?

29 August 2007 at 06:33  
Anonymous Romney said...


Have you ever looked underneath your deity to see if there is the remains of a protester holding a "Smite those who offend Hobah" sign?

29 August 2007 at 06:37  
Anonymous the great prophet hobammed said...

There are no remains of infidels in the sacred precincts of Almighty Hoba. When Hoba hit the ground He vaporised all the infidels within a two mile radius. As He said "When I slam into to something Islam it good and proper"

This is totally unlike the puny Allah, who was so weakened by his less than spectacular impact that he was easily broken into pieces and now has to be held together by a metal frame ( The Almighty Hoba is still intact and is made of pure metal.

Hoba is one and undivided, therefore those who worship Him are true monotheists. Allah is little more than a small heap of rubble, and those who worship his multiple chunks are accursed polytheists.

Hobah Akhbar!!!

- Hobammed, final prophet of the Great Deity Hoba.

29 August 2007 at 08:13  
Anonymous Romney said...

Oh Hobammed the most worthy,

From your Scholarly Reference, one now understands that the Black Stone, beloved of religions more Abrahamic than your own, was once reduced to fragments and has since had to be nailed together. Worryingly, this principle of "Chip and Pin" has since been adopted as one of the Five Pillars of the corrupt Western banking system (the others being usury, the issue of sub-prime loans, broadcast of annoying television adverts and imposing excessive banking charges to try and counteract the knock-on effects of adopting pillar #3)

Clearly, the Almighty Hoba holds the aces here, as those that adopt the Hobain Affidavit are backed by an ironclad guarantee. The attraction of Hoba can be clearly demonstrated as anyone wielding a compass in his vicinity in order to find the direction in which to pray will find out.

I suggest that there might be a lucrative opportunity for the canny businessman to get in on the ground floor of organising tours for those wanting to go on the Hobajj, plus the profitable marketing of souvenirs ("I venerated Hoba and all I got was this pebble" etc.) Would you consider issuing franchises?

30 August 2007 at 01:59  
Anonymous CCTV said...

Chip and PIN was developed to turn the whole of life into a Lottery

30 August 2007 at 07:26  
Anonymous the last toryboy said...

Might be interested in this :-

It has some photos of when they were dropping the balls, with happy Afghan kids running around.

30 August 2007 at 16:18  
Anonymous the great prophet Hobammed said...

The Hobajj does have great commercial potential. Not only is Hoba much bigger than Allah (even though size isn't everything - as Mohammed said to Ayesha) but alcoholic beverages and uncovered dancing slags are available in Namibia for those wishing to combine pilgrimage with pleasure.

Pilgrims will be allowed to kiss the Almighty Hoba (no tongues) for a suitable fee, with the exception of little girls aged 6 to 9 who must first kiss me and be initiated into the sacred ritual of Mufa' Khathat.

Hoba Akhbar!!!
- The Great Prophet Hobammed

30 August 2007 at 16:21  
Anonymous Romney said...

Hobah is indeed Mighty and Compassionate if he can offer the Weary Pilgrim the solace of the Uncovered Dancing Slags of Grootfontein, to let them drink deep of the Seven Draft Pilsners of Wisdom, and to receive a packet of forty-nine complementary peanuts to throw at the barstaff.

However, I feel that Hobah need not copy the reputed excesses competing religions. The detailed (and somewhat sticky) plans you have submitted for the Hobajj Creche and Pre-Teen Theme Park might be more palatable if attractions such as "Slide Down the Minaret" and the "Touch and Feel Experience" are replaced with rides that are, shall we say, less interactive. Also, the sketches for the thematic costumes for the "Meet and Greet" team appear to have been mixed up with those for an 18+ production of Lysistrata.

31 August 2007 at 09:51  
Anonymous The Great Prophet Hobammed said...

There may possibly be some room for modification of minor details, but we cannot compromise with the major rituals of the Hobajj, such as the traditional stampede and ritual trampling, which guarrantees immediate entry to paradise for those mangled underfoot.

In the Hajj, the stampede is usually started by shouting "Jooooooz in the Mosque" and generally results in a few hundred fatalities.

However in the Hobajj the invocation is "Free beer in the booze tent", which produces martyrs by the thousand.

Hoba Akhbar !!!

- The Great Prophet Hobammed

31 August 2007 at 12:19  
Anonymous The Great Prophet Apophammed said...

Allah and Hoba - false gods both of them! Cease your idolatry of these paltry chunks of space debris and worship the mighty Apophis !!!!

"The 300m-wide (984ft) rock, known as Apophis, will fly past Earth in April 2029 at a distance that is closer than many communications satellites.

Were such an object to hit the Earth, it could cause devastation on a country scale, leading possibly to the deaths of many millions of people.

Scientists say, however, that given sufficient warning, a potential impactor could be deflected out of Earth's path.

Some have suggested such a rock might be nudged on to a safe trajectory by hitting it with a small mass. Others have proposed flying a spacecraft next to the object, to use gravity to tug the asteroid clear of the planet. " -

If a small mass may move it clear of the earth, then psychokinesis by millions of followers may move it closer! We pray that Apophis may strike and obliterate the shrine of the false god Hoba in Namibia, then bounce a few thousand miles and do the same for Allah's qibla.

Apophis Akhbar !!!!! (far more Akhbar the Allah and Hoba)

- The Great Prophet Apophammed

31 August 2007 at 12:46  
Blogger Meg said...

Good luck in the hereafter people.

Looks like every single poster here is gonna need it.


4 September 2007 at 08:03  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the military and have traveled to the middle east, not by choice. But I was told that if I were to wear my crucifix around my neck I could lose my head. I did not wear it. We try our best to respect customs and courtesies of other nations, but when people of other religions or values come here to the US we are expected to change our way to make everyone happy. Maybe we should expect and demand the same that is expected from us overseas.

3 November 2008 at 00:00  
Anonymous abdulgalil said...

i cant belive they did that if gods name is on the ball what if they play with it then someone kicks it than he kicks gods name even if christians read this they would be vary sad cause of what they did la illah illa allaah mohamed rasol allah

3 August 2010 at 10:07  

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