Monday, November 19, 2007

Taxpayers fund Islamic 'virginity fix' on the NHS

Cranmer has discovered why he is still awaiting his knee replacement (indeed, his whole body reconstruction), and why one of his closest friends died of a heart attack while he was in a 6-month queue for a heart bypass, and why some cancer patients can't get new drugs, others are left lying in urine-soaked sheets, and still others have to be virtually blind before they begin to qualify for sight-saving treatment.

Women in labour are faced with over-subscribed maternity wards, while others seeking an abortion are given a do-it-yourself kit and sent home. For many, their hospital experience is miserable and painful, or they leave having contracted MRSA in a worse state they when they were admitted.

And is it any wonder when the NHS opts to fund priority surgery like this?

Yes, the British taxpayer is paying to restore virginity, so it’s not only Mary who is ‘ever virgin’. The NHS is far too PC to analyse the religion of those who seek this ‘virginity repair’, but by race they are immigrant or British-Asian, and it is reported that the vast majority of these are Muslim.

Cranmer often wondered how suicide bombers acquired as many as 72 virgins in Paradise, yet now it is revealed how the concept of Islamic re-virginisation can create perpetual virgins in order to satisfy the ever-increasing number of these ‘martyrs’ for their cause.

And before Communicants berate Cranmer for exaggerating the case (for he knows that taxpayers have only reportedly paid for 24 hymen reconstructions complete with ‘a capsule of an artificial blood-like substance’), it is the principle which rather irks him. This is still £96,000 of taxpayers’ money (presumably still increasing) which has been used for cosmetic deception; for cultural concealment; for the restoration of the false ‘honour’ of a family name in order that future spouses and in-laws may be satisfied that Nadia and Aisha were actually virgins on their wedding night.

Since when was this the purpose of NHS funding?

It has nothing to do with physical or psychological health, and everything to do with social regression driven by Islamic fundamentalism. According to Isabelle Levy, an author who studied the issue for her book Religion in the Hospital, young Muslim girls are ‘modern and they have adventures like other Europeans - which never happened in the past. But on the other hand, fundamentalism is spreading and these girls are getting sent back to their countries of origin to marry. And they will be rejected if it is found out that they are not virgins.’

Well, what a shame. They made their bed (or rather, unmade it), and so they should lie in it.

It is all so reminiscent of Jesus’ objections to the outward show of religion, and the importance of a pure heart. What sort of women and families are these who are prepared to establish a sacred marriage union that is based upon a lie from its inception? They can't fool God, not even if that god is Allah.

And Cranmer would like to know if all those girls who choose to retain their virginity through traditional means (ie abstinence) are entitled to a cash alternative from the NHS?

But of even greater theological concern to Cranmer is the question relating to the 72 virgins in Paradise. Now he has established how these may have the appearance of being ‘ever virgin’, and how the perpetuation of this façade is acceptable to many Muslims because of family ‘honour’, we may begin to understand how the hundreds and thousands of male suicide bombers may credibly look forward to an eternity of de-flowering. But what do female suicide bombers hope for? Assuming it not to be an eternity of lesbian bonding, how does one restore the virginity of a man?


Blogger Surreptitious Evil said...

One merely has to take a Gentleman's word about it, your Grace.

Your problem, I suppose, is now reduced to finding 72 Gentlemen in that place.

19 November 2007 at 09:01  
Anonymous Sir HM said...

"" And Cranmer would like to know if all those girls who choose to retain their virginity through traditional means (ie abstinence) are entitled to a cash alternative from the NHS? ""

Cranmer, please please PLEASE stop putting ideas into their heads.

And as for female suicide bombers, the rumour is that they get their clitoris back.

That it was me who started this rumour is irrelevant. It's every bit as valid as the tosh about 72 virgins. Who on Earth would WANT 72 women (and 28 boys, don't forget). I had a hard enough time coping with just one woman.

Now, about the 28 boys. Big Mo was reputed to have had the sexual virility of a hundred other men, and the reward for becoming a martyr for Islam was to be given the same virility as Mo. Thus, 28 boys to make up the difference between the 72 virgins and the virility of 100 men. Something like that.

19 November 2007 at 10:23  
Anonymous Sir HM said...

And as for those poor suckers who detonate themselves - what they are never told is that the virgins have to remain virgins. Imagine that eh? An eternity of onanistic (used in the colloquial, not biblical meaning) frustrated rage.

Are the virgins allowed to talk dirty to you while you're doing it?

Word verification: mmfvckud.

19 November 2007 at 10:32  
Anonymous Sir HM said...

So that'll be Muslim Martyr F*CK*D then. Not.

Sorry Your Grace, can't help myself.

19 November 2007 at 10:38  
Blogger Political Scientist said...

Your Grace,

"But what do female suicide bombers hope for? Assuming it not to be an eternity of lesbian bonding, how does one restore the virginity of a man?"

Dwarves, apparently.

"Speaking to an Arab affairs expert on the reports that Islamic Jihad is threatening to send scores of women suicide bombers to blow themselves up near IDF troops if Israel starts an operation on the ground in Gaza, she enquired what awaited such women in heaven, the equivalent of the notorious 72 virgins ready to serve the male shahids. The answer: dwarves who will serve them. Even in jihadi heaven the women are discriminated against, it seems."

[JPost quotes an interview of IDF radio]

19 November 2007 at 11:29  
Blogger The Bovina Bloviator said...

Your description of the NHS seems of a piece with this description of socialized medicine Down Under. The Democratic Party in the U.S., with Hillary Clinton leading the charge, is hellbent on establishing a "one payer" system here, despite countless recitations of the horrors resulting from it in other countries. Perhaps the most damning indictment issues from Canada where hospitals routinely send their patients south to the U.S. for elective surgery because the lines are too long in Canada. Yet the New York Times and their ilk praise the Canadian system as the ideal and one America should make her model. If so, I guess we'll have to send our surplus patients to Mexico.

19 November 2007 at 14:14  
Blogger Homophobic Horse said...

Servant sex dwarves? Calling people insane these days is like handing out speeding tickets at the Grand Prix.

The atom germ wars gone precipitate genetic mutation
social degeneration
creatures born of malignant science
the children of technology
plutonium anthropology
who will cleanse the mess left by the past
who will expurgate the scared cytoplasm
to rid the earth of abomination I
proclaim my nomination
as the thermonuclear warrior
Strands of malformed DNA strangulate our future
chromosomal executioners


I seek the dying, sick and deformed all
who would taint the species
stabbing and choking and burning and
drowning exterminate subhuman feces
to every problem an answer must lie
to this I have a solution
Crush kill destroy
I will smash any resistance

crush kill destroy
the reason for my divine existence
You may ask what's right have I to
take human life this way
well I'm in control I make the rules
and I don't need your o.k.
genocide is my way of life it's a fact I will not hide
the millions I've killed to sterilize
euthanasia's not homicide
Crush kill destroy
I will not tolerate imperfection
crush kill destroy
I will impede the spread of infection
I was born my own master

19 November 2007 at 14:41  
Anonymous nedsherry said...

£96,000? A drop in the ocean compared to what dealing with the effects of consanguineous marriage must cost the NHS. I can't find His Grace's post on the matter, but here is another link:

MP is criticised for saying that marriage of first cousins is a health problem

A Labour MP has called for a public debate on the genetic risks of marriages between first cousins in Britain's Pakistani community, after reports of an unusually high rate of autosomal recessive disorders among children near her constituency.

"Criticised" for speaking the truth. Quos Deus vult perdere prius dementat.

19 November 2007 at 15:23  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think consanguineous is a good idea for Muslims. If they did not marry their cousins they might make better bombs and there would be more atrocities.

19 November 2007 at 16:24  
Anonymous najistani said...

Your Grace, Sir H.M. and gentle readers.

The theological and ontological questions raised by 72 virgins are indeed both profound and far reaching. For example

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

With thanks to the evil Jooooooooooooz at

19 November 2007 at 17:37  
Blogger Cranmer said...

Mr Najistani,

Do keep up.

Firstly, you will be told there is no such thing as a gay Muslim: it is an oxymoron.

Secondly, your French is peccable. Soixante-douze is the number you require.

Point 13 is now resolved by the content of His Grace's post.

And there are numerous other witty ripostes to be made to many of these queries, but His Grace is rather hungry and needs to eat his dinner.

He thanks you enormously for causing much merriment and jocularity.

19 November 2007 at 18:44  
Anonymous najistani said...

Your Grace,

Islam is indeed a remarkable religion. What other faith has a brothel-keeper for a god and his pimp for a prophet?

To believe all this stuff you need to be as mad as a Hapsburg, which is no doubt where the cousin-marriage comes in. And remember, these aren't like simple kuffar cousin marriages, they've been marrying their cousins for many generations, so some of them must be genetically as close as brother and sister.

19 November 2007 at 20:21  
Anonymous najistani said...

Your Grace stated:

"you will be told there is no such thing as a gay Muslim: it is an oxymoron."

This leaves me wondering what part the 28 beautiful little boys play in the proceedings.

According to "Although Muhammad was heard promising that "round about them will serve boys of perpetual freshness: if thou seest them, thou wouldst think them scattered pearls," Muslim scholars are emphatic that the pretty virgin boys in Paradise are not there for the women."

So my theory is that the 28 boys are split into two mini-rugby league sides with a substitute for each, the bomber as referee and 36 virgins supporting and cheering on each team.

Has anyone got any other suggestions?

19 November 2007 at 21:32  
Blogger Snuffleupagus said...

I am glad, Your Grace, that you are laughing. I was concerned to read about your knee, and indeed your friend.

But it is a good point about female suicide bombers. If we want to assume that Muslim men commit suicide simply to get those virgins, one surely has to abandon this silly idea when faced with a female suicide bomber.

Also, I assume then Your Grace that you disagree with the far greater amounts of money spent on smokers, obese people, drinkers, etc by the NHS? Same issues as the whole making one's bed and lying in it, right?

19 November 2007 at 21:47  
Anonymous Romney said...

...The bomber gets 72 inflatable dolls, but he's got to blow them up himself.

I also understand that Muhammad had a vision which revealed the majority of people in hell are women. So, as the majority of people in paradise must ALSO be women, the male/female ratio really doesn't add up unless the women are out on a day-release trip from hell or similar.
So pity the poor martyr, confronted with 72 females who are literally burning with lust and closing in on him, swinging their pearl-handled censers. He will barely have time to stutter through a "Great Divorce" of 216 talaqs before his next bus load arrives...

19 November 2007 at 22:16  
Anonymous najistani said...

On the subject of Muslim cousin-marriage, there is a very informative article at which examines the debilitating social effect (quite apart from the medical aspect of recessive genetic disorders) of this custom on civil society, and its encouragement of the corruption, nepotism, tribalism and anarchy so characteristic of the Islamic world.

"Unlike the Middle East, Europe underwent what Samuel P. Huntington calls the "Romeo and Juliet revolution." Europeans became increasingly sympathetic toward the right of a young woman to marry the man she loves. Setting the stage for this was the Catholic Church's long war against cousin marriage, even out to fourth cousins or higher. This weakened the extended family in Europe, thus lessening the advantages of arranged marriages. It also strengthened broader institutions like the Church and the nation-state."

It isn't just the Catholic Church that dissapproves. There are Bible-belt states of the USA where cousin marriage is illegal. Perhaps we could consider bringing in similar laws here to disrupt the breeding habits of our swarming parasites.

19 November 2007 at 22:21  
Blogger Homophobic Horse said...

I can't understand why people object to Islam. It's all things to all people, truly a religion of peace.

Paedophiles can enjoy divenly mandated man-boy love.

Homosexuals, thanks to polygamous marriage, can enjoy the hordes of desperate single men.

Feminists can enjoy pleasing the Sultan.

Freudians can enjoy the absence of the taboo on incest.

The BNP er's can enjoy the return of corporal and capital punishment.

Anti-Semites can enjoy killing the Jews.

Leftists can enjoy the multicultural transnational Ummah.

Rightists can enjoy constant war against the infidels.

I can't think of any reasonable objection to Islam.

19 November 2007 at 23:33  
Anonymous najistani said...

There's an article at
which explains what the bomber does with the boys. I was right in it being a form of ball game, but it isn't Rugby League (at least not the way it's played in Wigan)

20 November 2007 at 10:01  
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20 November 2007 at 12:46  
Anonymous Tapani said...

The virgins were not what they might be expecting:

But it might be worse than that. Information on picture from Dutch Retecool:

Prophet: "Een maagd van 72, jongen! Geen 72 maagden. Je moet m'n boek beter lezen!"

(See - you can read Dutch if you want to!)

20 November 2007 at 14:21  

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