Thursday, August 21, 2008

Noah’s flood and Labour's destruction

Given the atrocious summer weather, Cranmer has been sent this apt piece, without acknowledgement of the source. If it is an infringement of copyright, he would like the author to know that has more important things to think about:

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before the rains commence and they will last for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but there was no Ark.

“Noah!” the Lord roared. “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the local planning laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to Planning Appeal for a decision.

“Then the Department of Transport demanded advanced payment for the costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting down local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the spotted owls - but no go!

“And when I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and violating their rights. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environment Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an impact study on your proposed flood.

“I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

“Immigration is checking the nationality status of most of the people who want to work, insisting that I employ Poles and Romanians and no-one from the British Commonwealth.

“The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, HM Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.”

And the Lord took pity upon Noah. The skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”

'No,' said the Lord.

“New Labour beat me to it.’

6 Comments:

Blogger Gary said...

Ah, your Grace, I'm disappointed. Normally I hold your blog in the highest esteem, with your weighty insight and originality. This, however, is but a poor copy of an older flood narrative which is in my email inbox from February of this year, in which the poor Noah is a resident of the new Northern Ireland, and beset by many more problems brought about by the Northern Ireland Office, the Assembly and Quangos.

I'll email you a copy if you want it! But certainly, it's a better version than this cautionary tale of New Labour.

21 August 2008 at 16:08  
Blogger Cranmer said...

Mr Gary,

His Grace hates to disappoint, and had no idea the tale was but a shallow pastiche of the situation in Northern Ireland.

But since they are having rather more trouble with floods, perhaps you had better post the NI version on here.

His Grace occasionally needs levity for respite from the pressures of providing constant 'weighty insight and originality'.

21 August 2008 at 16:14  
Anonymous hear o israel said...

it seems the lord has sent us inflation to soften us all up first !!

how many years before the roof gets fixed this time ??

if ever

21 August 2008 at 16:42  
Blogger Gary said...

Here beginneth the first lesson, from the book of Ulster:

AND it came to pass in the year 2007, that verily, the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in Ballymoney), and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see all manner of evils, terrorists in government and the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good Free Presbyterians."

And lo, He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

"I needed Building Control approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

"My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Planning Appeals Commission for a decision.

"Once Seymour Sweeney saw what I was up to, he submitted alternative plans with the backing of the local MP, and you have no idea how hard it was convincing a Paisley that you were actually on my side.

"Then the Department of the Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! And in July I had to pay off racketeers as insurance against the local kids taking the wood for the Eleventh Night bonfire.

"When I started gathering the animals, the USPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. They said if he spotted me with any pit bulls, I would never see the Ark float.

"Nor was I aware that marching the animals on to the Ark two by two constituted a parade, so I had to apply to the Parades Commission for permission. They just couldn't get their heads round the fact that the end of the world is nigh, and that telling people it was could maybe even have a positive effect on community relations.

"Then the Borough Council, the DoE and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

"Then Harland & Wolff stepped in, and said the project hadn't been subject to normal tendering practices, as they hadn't been allowed to present a business plan, so the whole thing went to judicial review. It didn't help that the judge's grandfather had worked on the Titanic and thought I was taking the piss.

"To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. After several neighbours accused me of being 'on drugs', the Assets Recovery Agency took some persuading that I had managed to put this project together without any visible means of income after I said I was relying on divine intervention.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy Northern Ireland ?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Assembly beat me to it."

21 August 2008 at 16:49  
Blogger A S Grey said...

Original or altered replica, this is sheer brilliance.

21 August 2008 at 18:18  
Anonymous G Eagle Esq said...

Your Grace

But you have not disappointed ....

you have given us a good version .... and it has inspired Gary to pass on an even more entertaining version

Well done

Your Grace's obedient servant etc

G Eagle

21 August 2008 at 20:19  

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