Cranmer will leave it to the experts
to comment on developments such as the bizarre return of Peter Mandelson to front-line British politics. He appears to possess more lives than Humphrey the cat. His Grace shall, however, say that he is saddened, though by no means surprised, that two of the Cabinet’s three Roman Catholics – Ruth Kelly and Des Browne
- have felt unable to continue as members of the most profoundly anti-Christian
government of modern times. Paul Murphy is now a very lonely figure indeed. It is no coincidence that these two leading Roman Catholics have left the Government before the return of the odious Fertilisation and Embryology Bill
But the proposed abolition of the very meaty roles of Secretary of State for Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland wil lead to the formation of the rather androgynous ‘Ministry of the Nations’. This long-expected development has been preceded by the announcement of a new ‘Department of Energy and Climate Change’, neutering the virility of potency with the gynogenesis of Mother Earth. And then there is the reduction of Rural Affairs to the Delia Department of Food (and Agriculture) - already dubbed the Department of Sweet F.A. These developments are consistent with the eradication of patriarchy and the feminisation of the language of political discourse which have been a hallmark of New Labour.
The moment the Department of Education became the Department of
Cushions and Soft Furnishings
Children, Schools and Families, there was a move to incorporate breast-feeding and nappy-changing into the everyday concerns of Whitehall. It soon became apparent that there was an agenda towards all that was touchy-feely. And now we have a Secretary of State for Global Warming, it is apparent that touchy-feely is being enhanced by all that is soft, fluffy and pink – or green. And Cranmer wonders if this is an inevitable consequence of the positive discrimination which is ensuring more women and homosexuals in Parliament - and thus an increase in Parliament's oestrogen levels and the multiplying of those who are allegedly ‘in touch with their feminine side’ - at the manifest expense of testosterone and the macho buck, stag, cock and bull mentality which has so typified the workings of Parliament and the functioning of government.
But where will this end?
Will the Home Secretary become the Secretary of State for Domestic and Social Affairs?
Will the Department of Health become the Department of Illnesses, Ailments, Obesity and Clinical Depression?
Why not change the Department of Justice to the Department for Healing and Restoration?
The Department for Defence to the Department for Conflict Resolution?
Or the Department of the Environment to the Department of Rivers, Fields, Flowers and Trees?
Cranmer shall leave it to his communicants to come up with further suggestions...