Tuesday, December 02, 2008

President Barroso: the 'people who matter' in Britain are reconsidering the euro

The President of Europe has decreed that the UK is ‘closer’ to joining the euro. And not just closer, but ‘closer than ever before’. And not just closer than ever before, but also very positively disposed to it. Yes, the UK has told José Manuel Barroso that the euro is now under active consideration.

Or at least it is by ‘the people who matter’.

President Barroso said, "I don't mean this will happen tomorrow, I know that the majority are still opposed, but there is a period of consideration underway and the people who matter in Britain are currently thinking about it."

But who are these people who matter?

Alas, it is a secret, and President Barroso is ‘not going to break the confidentiality of certain conversations’.

We do not matter, and therefore we are not permitted to know.

But we know that those who matter are politicians, for President Barroso says: ‘...some British politicians have already told me...’. And we who do not matter at least possess the intelligence to work out that those who do matter must be senior politicians, for President Barroso would not waste his time talking to lowly backbenchers, for they also do not matter, though they probably do not matter as little as we who do not matter at all, for we who do not matter at all cannot be politicians, for all politicians are persuaded of themselves that they most certainly do matter, even if the matter of the extent to which they matter is a matter of some conjecture.

But Cranmer, who also does not matter, has deduced that those who matter cannot be economists, for President Barroso reports that those who matter said to him, in confidence: ‘If we had the euro, we would have been better off’.

What is the matter with him that he is content to consort with the crackpots and dally with the deluded? They must, of course, be the crackpots and the deluded who matter, but it is a serious matter, not to say a matter of grave concern, that their grey matter is out of kilter with the reading matter provided by several of the most eminent economists who produce expert economic analyses as a matter of course which really does matter.

Yet President Barroso, who doubtless thinks he matters more than most, and certainly more than we who matter not at all, has said that those who matter told him of their plan ‘in confidence’.

Setting aside the breach of confidence - which matters to Cranmer because matters of confidence ought to be kept confidential and not treated matter-of-factly (though it must be observed that President Barroso has not disclosed the names of those who matter who are of the opinion that the nation’s material wealth would be greater if we had, as a matter of fact, been in the euro) – it is not a proven matter that joining the euro would be the means of beating the effects of the global economic crisis, which matters to us all, not least because it is global, which is itself an important matter, but also, as a matter of fact, because it affects people’s savings, people’s pension’s, people’s homes, people’s cost of living, people’s health, people’s wellbeing, and, for that matter, people’s sense of how much they matter to the politicians, who, as a matter of record, manifestly believe they matter because, as a matter of law, they are a constitutional imperative.

Except the Member for Ashford, who presently appears to matter less than all those who matter, or who think they matter.

But no matter.

The people who are struggling with the effects of the ‘credit crunch’ and the recession, who are occasionally consulted on matters European - not least in referenda in Denmark, Ireland, France or the Netherlands - are the people who do not matter.

But those who think they matter enough to know those who matter do not matter at all either to those who matter or to those who do not matter.

Moreover, those who think they matter are rarely those who do, and of all the people in the world who do matter, none is to be found in the European Commission, and even fewer are to be found in the British Government, for Parliament itself has ceased to matter.

However, the Prime Minister’s spokesman has been swift to stamp on the idea that the Government's position on the euro has been modified. "Our position has not changed. We have no plans to join the euro," Mr Brown's spokesman said.

But he does not matter.

Even if her thinks he does.


Anonymous Voyager said...

Barroso was a Maoist in his affluent youth and has spent his life in non-market employment. He has the sensibilities of the Apparatchik.

He needs to suggest dynamism in Europe to cover its sclerotic decline and the thought of Euro-Zone collapsing can only be held at bay with the prospect of fresh meat in the shape of Great Britain upon which the hungry can feast.

The whole of Southern Europe is imploding and Barroso needs to suggest there is no hope of independence in currency matters as the largest independent currency bloc in Europe must too succumb - "some chicken, some neck"

2 December 2008 at 08:06  
Anonymous oiznop said...

Brilliant, Your Grace, absolutely brilliant. I still don't know why you don't do this full-time.

2 December 2008 at 08:29  
Anonymous Henry Quisling said...


2 December 2008 at 08:49  
Blogger Stop Common Purpose said...

It must be a case of mind over matter. Barroso doesn't mind and the voters don't matter.

2 December 2008 at 09:07  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Draw up a proposal in writing, throw it out, re-write it in yellow ink and say it is not the same as the first, get the queen to sign it (she will sign anything), and hey presto!

2 December 2008 at 09:19  
Anonymous Preacher said...

Your Grace.
Although I am no conspiracy theorist I feel that there is a sinister clandestine purpose behind the Euro smile, I am somehow reminded of the smile on the face of the crocodile when he spots lunch.
Perhaps it is all a Bilderberger conspiracy after all, they believe that they are the people that matter too! or maybe it has something to do with the numbers 666? is that sulphur I can smell or am I just imagining it?

2 December 2008 at 09:45  
Blogger The Heresiarch said...

Thank you, Master Cranmer - this is quite the funniest thing I've read all week. And it's still only Tuesday.

2 December 2008 at 09:48  
Blogger Unsworth said...

Your Grace'

" "Our position has not changed. We have no plans to join the euro," Mr Brown's spokesman said."

and from today's London Evening Standard:

"In his remarks on Saturday, Lord Mandelson said: "I hold to the view that our aim, our goal, should be to enter the single currency." He added that the Government was "obviously not going to take on that challenge" during the current recession."


So there we have it. There are no plans as such, but there is the intention.

2 December 2008 at 10:09  
Anonymous Peter said...

Does that make those of us not blessed in being within 'the circle'... anti matter?

2 December 2008 at 10:17  
Anonymous Chris said...

Your Grace,

Who are these people who matter ?

I'm sure you know. The usual suspects, our old friends Common Purpose.

2 December 2008 at 11:27  
Anonymous G Eagle Esq said...

Heil Barroso

Your Grace

It is interessante (or soll ich Sagen - interestink) that like Monsieur Napoleone Buonaparte, the Reichs-Praesident Barroso is Italian

Verdammt = I have uttered the Truth in a Public Place which in the Reich is becoming increasingly unLawful

... is that das Knock on mine Door with the Police anxious to introduce another Law-Abiding Citizen to Mr Green when he is next in a Cell waiting for 9 hours to "help the Police with their Enquiries" for telling the Truth about this Gouvernement-General

Isn't it about time that the Sack should be given to the Police Gauleiters who ordered Mr Green's arrest

Accountability should not be limited (albeit a little late) to Haringey's Child-Protection Service

2 December 2008 at 11:33  
Blogger julymorning said...


2 December 2008 at 12:39  
Blogger Johnny Norfolk said...

Lets have a vote on it.
Bring it on, as they say in some circles

2 December 2008 at 13:28  
Blogger dizzyfatplonka said...

"Bring it on, as they say in some circles"

Yes, I move in such circle!

Apperently they are the circles that do not matter though :-D

2 December 2008 at 15:35  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Put not your trust in princes, nor in any child of man, for there is no help in them".

2 December 2008 at 17:08  
Anonymous Tanfield said...

Your Grace
It is generally believed that many of the individual factors that make the effect of the current recession so much worse in the UK than elsewhere were caused by Gordon Brown during his far too many years as Chancellor. I can't help thinking that much of this was deliberate so as to decrease the value of the pound so that in time it equals the value of the Euro. Then it will be explained to us that there will be no difference to the UK if we join the Eurozone and then - hey presto - in we go !!

2 December 2008 at 20:53  
Blogger Dominic Allkins said...

"But Cranmer, who also does not matter, has deduced that those who matter cannot be economists"

Must have been Gordon 'MacAvity' Brown then. He's not an economist.

2 December 2008 at 22:25  
Anonymous Peter (not the Saint) said...

Your Grace (and fellow comunicants) it is quite straighforward to find the Pesiden's homepage and fill in the feedback form. I did so earlier today, teing him that we the citizens of Britain are the ones who 'matter' and that we are fond of currency, independence and identity. I also informed him that his attitude only reinforces the image of the EU as being arrogant and out of touch. I did so politely and without spleen but forcefully. Other communicants may wish to do the same.

2 December 2008 at 23:18  
Blogger Alan Douglas said...

Your Grace,

Might I suggest a trans-EU countries procession, gathering up all those who DO matter, preceded by the mother of all brass bands; once we have gathered them together, we could take them all to be thrown off a suitable mountain, with much oompahpahing of the brass ?

This cleansing could forever after be called the Great Matterhorn March !

Alan Douglas

2 December 2008 at 23:39  
Anonymous Adrian P said...

It's all deliberate, in fact most crises are designed by Govt to herd us sheep the way they wish us to go.


3 December 2008 at 05:20  
Blogger Tim Hedges said...

There's only one possibility:

3 December 2008 at 11:37  
Anonymous Adrian P said...

Britain in decline, and its all deliberate so they can bring in the EUGendFor Paramilitaries.


3 December 2008 at 23:55  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Johnny Norfolk - ha ha, very good! A vote! Whatever will you think of next?

Do you not know that votes are for those who don't matter, who in this case, since they don't matter, won't be getting to vote on it any more than they did on the Lisbon constitution.

And quite right too; look what happens when you let people (such as Irish people) who don't matter vote on things that do matter; they vote for the wrong thing!

And by the way, my own opinion - speaking as one who does not matter - is that the appearance of this business in the public prints means that the decision has now been made by those who matter.

They'll let us know in due course, if we need to know, that is.

4 December 2008 at 15:37  
Blogger John said...

Beautiful, and damn funny too.

4 December 2008 at 17:01  
Anonymous Adrian P said...

Has your Grace ever wondered why in courts, the dock is called th edock or why we have birth (berth) ceritficates.
Or why you are known only as the 'Registered' Keeper of a vehicle.
It seems that we operate under Maritime Law, when we Register (another Nautical term) our Newborn as Berths, sorry Births, we are essentially abandonibg our children, the Registering you childrens birth allows Govt to Slavage on their future worth ( tax ) to the state.

4 December 2008 at 17:07  
Anonymous churchmouse said...

Well I'm just waiting for the pound to fall well below par with the euro - then they'll give everything away, won't they? The few things they haven't given away already, that it....

What I really don't understand is how they're getting away with it while everyone knows what they're doing. What is the matter with us all?

5 December 2008 at 01:38  
Blogger infernoz said...

If this den of vipers called Parliament ever completes the destruction of Sterling I should pivot off my Bullion to another nationality, which has better respects it's peoples liberty and prosperity, hopefully as a Freeman.

15 December 2008 at 01:21  

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