Thursday, February 19, 2009

Quantitative easing - Mammon from heaven

With blessings to Beau Bo D’Or for the graphic, and with apologies to Moses:

"And they took their journey from Bradford, Birmingham, Leicester and Slough, and all the congregation of the children of New Labour came from the wilderness of the United Kingdom, which is between Europe and America, on the nineteenth day of the second month after the markets had given their emphatically damnable response to the banking bailouts.
And the whole congregation of the children of New Labour murmured against the GORD in the wilderness:
And the children of New Labour said, Would to God we had not replaced Tony who is now exalted in the land of Barack, yea, all over the world, when we enjoyed an economic boom, and when we did enjoy impressive poll leads; for ye have brought us forth into this recession, to kill this whole assembly with credit crunch and repossession.
Then said the GORD, Behold, I not only saved the world, but I shall devise a rescue package which will stem the slide into recession and depression. I will rain cash upon the economy and spread it unto you; and the people shall go out and enjoy a low interest rate every day, yea, even zero per cent, that I may prove them, whether they will vote Labour, or no.
And Alastair said unto all the children of the United Kingdom, these bailouts are surely working, but they need a little assistance. The Mammon markets are frozen because there is none who hath confidence. We shall renew this confidence. Then ye shall know that the GORD hath brought you out from the land of recession and depression:
And in the morning, then ye shall see the glory of the GORD; for that he heareth your murmurings:
And Alastair said, The policy response of some worldly governments hath been back to front. If they solved the underlying problem, liquidity shall eventually return, yea, even flow like honey. This shall be, when the GORD shall give you in the evening cash to pay thy mortgage and more cash to feed thine offspring, and in the morning very good opinion polls; for that the GORD heareth your murmurings which ye murmur against him:
And Alastair spake unto Peter, Say unto all the congregation of the children of the United Kingdom, Come near before the GORD: for he hath heard your murmurings.
And it came to pass, as Peter spake spin unto the whole congregation of the children of the United Kingdom, that they looked toward Number 10, and, behold, the glory of the GORD appeared in the ozone.
And the GORD spake unto Alastair, saying,
I have heard the murmurings of the children of the United Kingdom: speak unto them, saying, some time next month, or the month after that, or even the month after that, but certainly before the next general election, ye shall have cash, and shed loads of it, for there shall be deep interest rate cuts followed by quantitative easing, and ye shall know that I am the GORD your Prime Minister, who saved the world.
And it came to pass, that billions of pounds fell from heaven, and covered the country: and in the morning the low interest rates lay round about the plentiful cash, deep and crisp and even.
And when the low interest rates that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a look of perplexion, as confused and worried as a prime minister on the skids.
And when the children of New Labour saw it, they said one to another, It is Mammon: for they wist not what it was, for that had not wist it since Tony had departeth. And Alastair said unto them, This is the cash which the GORD hath given you and your constituents to spend.
This is the thing which the GORD hath commanded, Gather of it every man according to his mortgage, at least a couple of thousand for every man, according to the number of your family living in relative poverty, and more if ye live in a key marginal; take ye every man for them which are in the Northern Rock tents, for, yea, the feel-good factor must return.
And the children of the United Kingdom did so, and gathered, some more, some less. But mostly some more, for they were Thatcher’s children, and knew a good thing when they saw it.
And when they did grab their thousands, he that gathered much had nothing over, and he that gathered little had no lack, for the government bailed out all of them, prudent and imprudent alike, without distinction; they gathered every man according to his mortgage.
And Alastair said, Let no man leave of it till he be persuaded of the GORD.
And the children of the United Kingdom had not a clue what he was talking about; and the children of the tribe of New Labour knew not neither, and neither did they care. Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto Alastair; but some of them left of it until the morning, and it caused price increases, which is known as inflation, and it stank across the land: and Alastair was wroth with them.
And they gathered it every morning, every man according to his mortgage and the rest: and when the sun waxed hot, they spent it all; and when the moon waxed cold, they spent it all. Night and day was it spent, like water flooding the land.
And it came to pass, that on the sixth month they gathered twice as much cash, four thousand for each child, and still more in the key marginals: and all the members of the New Labour came and told Alastair that the current stream of government initiatives is wreaking havoc with inflation and public sector finances.
And he said unto them, This is that which the GORD hath said, Tomorrow there shall be jam, and the day after, and the day after that. And if there be no jam, ye shall lose thy seats at the next general election.
And they shut up promptly, as he bade: and it did not stink, neither was there any worm therein.
But it did really, and the worms were bountiful. And Alastair said, Spend today; for tomorrow is the election unto the GORD: thou canst spend then also, but do not put off spending until tomorrow what thou canst spend today.
And the GORD said unto the children of the United Kingdom, How long refuse ye to spend thy way out of recession and depression?
See, for that the GORD hath given you cash, therefore spend like there be no tomorrow; abide ye every consumer in his consuming, let no man or woman or child or unborn not spend what he, she or it doth not yet possess.
So the people went on a shopping spree with the cash that had fallen from nowhere.
And the house of the United Kingdom called the name thereof Mammon from Heaven: and it was like euros, with lots of bridges, windows and doors; and the smell of it was like returning to the years of Tony.
And Alastair said, This is the thing which the GORD commandeth, Fill thy bank account with it but not to be kept for your generations; that ye may see today the new car, the new hi-fi and the new plasma telly wherewith I have provided for you, when I brought you forth from the land of recession and depression.
And Alastair said unto Peter, Take some pot, and put a few thousand of Mammon therein, and lay it up before the GORD, to be kept for his final salary pension.
As the GORD commanded Alastair, so Peter laid it up before the Treasury, to be kept.
And the children of the United Kingdom did spend Mammon forty weeks, until they came to a land inhabited by another tribe; they did spend Mammon, until they came unto the borders of the land of the children of the Conservatives. But there was a stench of inflation in the land, yea, uncontrollable hyper-inflation, for the fat years had consumed the lean and just about everything else besides.
And David much pleased the LORD..."

(To be continued)


Blogger Young Mr. Brown said...

Brilliant, Your Grace. Brilliant. I have received more merriment from this post than from all the posts that I have read over many days.

I must confess, though, that being slow-witted, and often failing to understand the punch line of jests, I have not the foggiest clue what the last line is supposed to mean. It sounds like a reference to the heir to Blair, but I know that it cannot be . . .

19 February 2009 at 09:19  
Anonymous oiznop said...

This is just excellent. I'd pay to read this stuff. Why O why won't you go professional? Honestly, there's so much political dross written every day but this sort of writing puts it all in the shade. You should have editors queueing at your door to sign you up - if only to boost their own figures!!

19 February 2009 at 09:33  
Anonymous Gnostic said...

And lo, the GORD's popularity was laid seige by the wrathful mutterings of the people of the Kingdom that is United. They waxed wroth as they surveyed the devastation wrought by their leader and cried, "Look what the GORD has done. Oh woe are we that have been lead into the wilderness of Recession. Resigneth now!"
The Gord, resplendent in his bail-out of the Money-lenders in the temple of Mammon, looked upon the work he had performed and saw that it was good. Spake he to the people, "I am the saviour of the world. Cast ye not your vile aspersions."
And while the Brownites plotted in the darkness the Cameronites milled around like unto blind camels in the Sahara.

19 February 2009 at 09:35  
Anonymous Hollywood said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

19 February 2009 at 09:54  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q. What do the banks always accept as an asset for loan purposes? A. Land title

Fast forward a year or two: Q. What security will overseas lenders want from the UK government? A. Land title

When things were grim in the mid 70s (as the Gord will remember) there was talk of reverting 'Freehold' title back to State/Crown ownership - ostensibly for socialist redistribution, more likely to support government borrowing.

Watch that space.

19 February 2009 at 10:22  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

UPDATE: Govt. tax revenue halved during January. £7bn down on same month last year.

19 February 2009 at 10:27  
Blogger indigo said...

I know what your basically saying, and it is funny in its own ironic way, but whoever the Lord is (depends which one), I don't think he is too enamored of David. Unless David is seeking private council, informing the Lord all the things he is not informing the rest of us.

19 February 2009 at 12:19  
Anonymous Fault my Logic said...

Money is worthless paper, it only has value because Westminster declares it legal tender.
A £50 note costs 1p to print.

However, Westminster Borrows this AT FULL FACE VALUE, then forces is to pay this full face value loan back through income tax.

Had Westminster Printed EXACTLY the same amount of 'money as it had Borrowed in the past few decades and issued that into our econmomy our National Debt would be ZERO, no loan to pay back hence absolutely no need for Income Tax at all.

Westminster is a CHARADE, our real Govt are the International Banksters, the Bilderbergers, Brown, Blair, Cameron and Osborne are All recent attendees at these events which have MI6 protection.

We are being farmed, fleeced.

19 February 2009 at 13:07  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Genius, but completely wasted on here.

19 February 2009 at 13:12  
Blogger indigo said...

Given that every day, the needs of honest citizens are put second to greed and personal gain, and every day this country sinks deeper into a cess pool of fear, intimidation and corruption, and that the UK has become a place where our politicians have become our brutalisers, where to be the law is to be above the law, I have not heard one single convincing sentence from David that says a great deal about his concerns, and his plans for change.

And while I agree with certain people's opinion of this literary excellence, I will however refrain from any idolatry, or any symbolic gestures of oral sex.

19 February 2009 at 14:40  
Anonymous Ok Try this said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

20 February 2009 at 21:18  
Anonymous non mouse said...

Glad to see Your Grace hasn't lost his touch over all this time!!!
Thank you.

21 February 2009 at 07:00  

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