Monday, November 02, 2009

'Mohammed' - The Second Greatest Story Ever Told

It is reported that there is to be a $150m Hollywood blockbuster biopic about the life of Mohammed.

About time.

Barrie Osborne, part of the Oscar-winning team behind The Matrix and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, says the new production is ‘an international epic production aimed at bridging cultures. The film will educate people about the true meaning of Islam’.

But no actor will be in line for an Oscar, because no actor will be playing the Prophet. The film is financially backed by the Qatar-based production company Alnoor Holdings, ‘who have installed the Muslim scholar Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi (not a joke) to oversee all aspects of the shoot’. So, in accordance with Islamic law, Mohammed will not actually be depicted on screen. They will ‘shoot around’ him (so to speak).

Talk about Hamlet without the Prince.

The film purports to ‘shed light on the Prophet's life since before his birth to his death’ and aspires to ‘highlight the humanity of Prophet Muhammad’, but it will exclude the protagonist from his own life story and thereby keep his humanity in the darkness. This will not educate people about ‘the true meaning of Islam’, for all that does not accord with Al-Qaradawi’s personal beliefs and quranic interpretation will be vetoed. He already appears to have set aside the historical Shi’a tradition that Mohammed may indeed be portrayed, and that such a portrayal does not amount to the graven image of idolatry. One wonders how he will handle Mohammed’s sexual proclivities, his betrothal to the six-year-old Aisha, his 'war crimes', his exhortation to murder Christians and Jews, or his generous offer to the vanquished of conversion to Islam or death – all of which have historical quranic authority or a long heritage of hadith validity.

How on earth can a biopic exclude the bios?

At least Jesus is always portrayed as being fully human, even though he is fully God. But then Cecil B DeMille and Franco Zeffirelli had no fear of death threats and no expectation of fatal sieges.

Although there is no chalcedonian dispute going on about the divinity of Mohammed, the reverence and respect accorded to him by the western media constitutes elevation to that status: the Christian blasphemy laws may have been abolished, but there has emerged an unwritten blasphemy law to fill the spiritual void which protects Allah, Mohammed and the Qur'an. The Hadith of Al-Qaradawi will be of no assistance at all in helping people to understand either Islam or the mortal prophet revered by a billion followers. Only an Enlightenment perspective could illuminate the kuffar.

‘Mohammed Superstar’ this will not be. But perhaps...

'Mohammed-spell' - 'Pre - ee - ee - pare ye, the way of Allaaaah'.
'Mohammed of Mecca' starring Robert Powell's right hand and left foot.
'Prophet of Prophets' - 'Awww, suurely this maan waas the Praaphet of Gaad'.
'The Life of Tariq' - the story of Tariq Ali, a young Arab man who is born in the same era and location as Mohammed who is mistaken for the Prophet.
'Four Forced Weddings and an Honour Killing' - an halal remake.
'A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Medina' - a vaudeville case of mistaken identity.
(Cranmer is expanding this list - keep them coming!).


Blogger Frugal Dougal said...

Perhaps we've finally found a use for atheists - to make a life story of Mohammed? Or even Mohammed: Tho Opera about his marriage to the aforementioned Aisha?

2 November 2009 at 19:26  
Blogger OldSouth said...

Two or three things come to mind:

1. Reminds me of the trio of TV comics from the 80's: Larry, Darryl and Darryl, three goofballs whose motto was 'Anything for a buck!'. No matter how degrading or outrageous, if there was money attached, they were on the job. An apt analogy for today's entertainment biz in the US. The #1 pop record this week is by Britney Spears, singing the praises of (let us delicately say..) an innovative domestic arrangement. The Almighty may soon owe Sodom and Gomorrah an apology, to quote Billy Graham.

2. So, who's going to actually buy a ticket for this movie? No matter what they release, it is certain to offend millions of Muslims across the Sunni/Shia fault line. Blood will flow, but that's not money. And the largest market in the world, the US, will not line up for a movie about Mohammed, trust me.

3. The really good thing is that this movie will be produced, and it will lose large amounts of money. Let's hope it goes waaaaay over production budget!

It will then be another 30 years or so before some other ambitious soul decides to try it again.

2 November 2009 at 19:53  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a film about Muhamamd c. 1977 called 'The Message' with Anthony Quinn, and nobody as the false Prophet.

If this filmic Muhammad speaks, of ocurse it will have to be in sublime Arabic (which "can't be translated", of course, in true lingistic mystical nonsense).

I predict a few fatwas on this one. Maybe Islamic Rage Boy can be contacted. Worth a few riots in Kashmir etc.

2 November 2009 at 20:07  
Blogger TreeSleeper said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2 November 2009 at 20:34  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought child pornography was illegal.

2 November 2009 at 20:36  
Blogger TreeSleeper said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2 November 2009 at 20:37  
Blogger southwood said...

Yes, TreeSleeper, the glorious climax with Space Odyssey type theme could be the planes advancing toward the Twin Towers. 3,000 infidels slaughtered in two great balls of flame. What a glorious legacy ! What a great prophet !

2 November 2009 at 23:04  
Blogger Bryan said...

Perhaps there should be a new digitally enhanced version of Ben Hur where that worthy may meet with an off screen Mohammad instead of the Christ.

How odd that the blasphemers of Hollywood revel in their baseless Last Temptation, but won't dare touch the documented and accepted paedophilia of the "Prophet".

3 November 2009 at 00:07  
Anonymous len said...

The life of Mohammed speaks volumes about the man.
And if you are in any doubt read the Koran.

By their fruits you shall know them( matthew 7:16)

3 November 2009 at 00:31  
Anonymous Romney said...

It's got to be a musical!

"A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Kaaba".

"Seven Brides for 1.75 Brothers".

"My Veiled Lady".

"Gentlemen prefer Burkas".

"Thoroughly Medieval Mohammed".

3 November 2009 at 02:45  
Blogger Kenpachi said...

Has anyone seen the Channel 4 programme "Peep Show" which features a first person camer view and frequent inner monologues?

The name and format of this show would probably suit this movie on a number of different levels, although it would be difficult to accurately script the inner thoughts of that egocentric mentalist. It would be a challenging assignment to say the least.

3 November 2009 at 04:35  
Blogger John M Ward said...

A TV serialisation could be called "Sex and the Kiddy"…

3 November 2009 at 04:58  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Prophet Strangelove, or How I stopped worrying and learned to love the sword"

"It's a mad, mad, mad Dar-ul-islam"

"Return of the Jehadi"

For Halloween: "Ghostburqas"

3 November 2009 at 06:15  
Anonymous kuffar said...

Halal remake of 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' entitled 'Four Forced Marriages and an Honor Killing'

3 November 2009 at 08:00  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could be a Bond film with 'The Prophet' the unseen mastermind who plans to take over the world.


3 November 2009 at 08:08  
Blogger D. Singh said...

Your Grace,

When Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi and the Muslims finally watch this film, they will commit the greatest mass act of balsphemy in Islam.

For it does not matter that the movie does not show an actor depicting him; the devious trick lies in inducing Muslims to imagine what he might look land act like.

For there, in their hearts and minds will the idol be installed.


From 'the second greatest story ever told' to the greatest subversion ever.!

3 November 2009 at 08:50  
Anonymous Dan sing. said...

One wonders if so many who profess so much wisdom on matters ecclesiastical have ever stopped to think why it is that followers of the Islamic faith do not "drink of the blood and eat of the flesh".
Incidentally, the prophet M. was betrothed to a very young Aisha, but did not marry her until she was "of womanly age", as was the custom of all middle Eastern tribes and sects, Jews, Christians and Moslems alike.
At least the Moslems never sacrificed their first born children to the altar of Baal.
It`s all a fine to do, this religious lark innit?
Pots and kettles.

3 November 2009 at 09:49  
Blogger D. Singh said...

Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you" (John 6:53).

3 November 2009 at 10:07  
Blogger D. Singh said...

Now according to this Hadith, Mohammed is burning in Hell:

Volume 1, Book 12, Number 770:
Narrated Abu Huraira:

The people said, "O Allah's Apostle! Shall we see our Lord on the Day of Resurrection?" He replied, "Do you have any doubt in seeing the full moon on a clear (not cloudy) night?" They replied, "No, O Allah's Apostle!" He said, "Do you have any doubt in seeing the sun when there are no clouds?" They replied in the negative. He said, "You will see Allah (your Lord) in the same way. On the Day of Resurrection, people will be gathered and He will order the people to follow what they used to worship. So some of them will follow the sun, some will follow the moon, and some will follow other deities; and only this nation (Muslims) will be left with its hypocrites. Allah will come to them and say, 'I am Your Lord.' They will say, 'We shall stay in this place till our Lord comes to us and when our Lord will come, we will recognize Him. Then Allah will come to them again and say, 'I am your Lord.' They will say, 'You are our Lord.' Allah will call them, and As-Sirat (a bridge) will be laid across Hell and I (Muhammad) shall be the first amongst the Apostles to cross it with my followers. Nobody except the Apostles will then be able to speak and they will be saying then, 'O Allah! Save us. O Allah Save us.'

3 November 2009 at 11:25  
Blogger D. Singh said...

Hadith Volume 1, Book 8, Number 345 also says that while Mohammed was in this world he ascended into heaven and saw many prophets and other Bible characters like Adam, Moses, Jesus and Abraham. And he saw the paradise while he was still alive and on this earth but why he should wait to go to heaven after his death?

Now, why is he waiting?

Don’t keep me waiting.

3 November 2009 at 11:42  
Anonymous TheGlovner said...

Well here is another movie I won't be parting with my hard earned cash to see.

It can sit firmly in the same place where such films as Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull reside.

Crap fiction.

3 November 2009 at 11:46  
Blogger dmk said...

I really don't understand this 'blasphemy' thing. I thought Islam was very strong on the separation of God and creation, so claiming that depicting a human is an act of blasphemy seems to be anti-Islamic. Help me out here.

How about The Life of Bar-Iyan, he's not the prophet, he's a very naughty boy.

3 November 2009 at 13:49  
Blogger Kenpachi said...

How about "Pirates of the Carabian - Dead Man's Chest"

-specifically in reference to an episode where Mohammed ordered one of his men to light a fire on a man's chest until he revealed the location of some treasure.

Ibn Ishaq page 515

3 November 2009 at 14:03  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a Christian there is a lot about Islam and its interpretations which I abhor. But I feel we should accord it the respect that we would ask for our own religion even though we do not always receive this. Jesus taught us to treat others as we would like to be treated. I do not find this thread very funny, and while it may be true that the politically correct brigade – and many Muslims – seem totally devoid of any sense of humour .. this is perhaps going a bit too far. OK they may be oversensitive but the humour here is verging on the unkind and it is rather childish. It does not seem very Christian to me and it will do nothing to bring people together. (And Cranmer you may be making enemies unnecessarily, as much of your blog would actually appeal to Muslim sentiments).

3 November 2009 at 14:35  
Blogger Kenpachi said...

Whilst I agree that many Muslims are worthy of respect and admiration, the religious/political system of Islam is certainly not.

Self-censorship only helps enforce the notion that where Islam is concerned we must know our place and be 'subdued' according to the Quran itself.

3 November 2009 at 15:04  
Blogger D. Singh said...

BREAKING NEWS: Czech president has signed the Lisbon Treaty. At midnight on 31 December we will become in domestic and international law: citizens of the EU (the Book of Daniel's fourth Beast empire).

3 November 2009 at 15:15  
Anonymous no nonny said...

Can we hold some sort of Wake? Show that we mourn the death of our rights - and don't welcome the tyranny?
Light candles in memory of Freedom?

3 November 2009 at 21:27  
Blogger ZZMike said...

Dan sing.: "At least the Moslems never sacrificed their first born children to the altar of Baal."

True - they preferred to sacrifice the other people's first-born on the altar of Allah.

D. Singh: "BREAKING NEWS: Czech president has signed the Lisbon Treaty."

Bad news. Hard cheese, as they used to say.

4 November 2009 at 03:51  
Anonymous Prue said...

I don't like this story at all.I wont be seeing the movie.I use to believe in freedom of religion.Now
I think any religion that incites violence should be banned and its followers should set sail back to
the Islamic otherland.

4 November 2009 at 04:21  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tried to post this comment on the Speccie, but they censored it.
My theory is this, in a Christian society we have two kinds of psychopaths, those that can normally control their urge to kill and those that can't. The first group are kept in check by social and cultural forces, thou shalt not kill, etc, the second group become serial killers. When an economy collapses, like Argentina or the USSR, murder explodes.
However, in an Islamic society, psychopaths can turn to the Koran for the justification of murder, indeed the martyr is revered. Hence we get the bombing in peshawar, which killed over a hundred women and children. So Islamic societies will always be violent, as they give a legitimate reason for psychopaths to kill.
End theory.

4 November 2009 at 12:25  
Blogger D. Singh said...


God will not abandon us; upon our shoulders He has placed a great duty in these 'End Times': to acquit ourselves, before men and Him with courage and faithfulness.

4 November 2009 at 13:18  

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