The quest for the elusive ‘Conservative Particle’ in the Coalition Collider
The Conservative Party under David Cameron is intent on using the full force of the state to control wages (of bankers) and prices (of alcohol); they penalise enterprise with a high 50p rate of income tax; continue to volunteer the surrender of domestic policy to European Union competence; fail to defend British interests in talks over a new European Union treaty; have made it easier to concrete over swathes of the British countryside; are undermining marriage and the family; have given us a defence review which leaves us with aircraft carriers but no aircraft; are bequeathing a dog’s breakfast of constitutional reform in the House of Lords; and appear to have lost all confidence of the union of the United Kingdom.
David Cameron has done more than any Conservative leader since the nineteenth century to centralise the internal workings of his own party. Taxes are increasing; total government spending continues to rise; the national debt continues to rise; interest payments continue to rise; contributions to the European Union continue to rise; the private sector is forecast to contract while the public sector grows; mass immigration continues unchecked; illegal immigrants are no longer routinely finger-printed; billions of pounds are being committed to combat ‘man-made global warming’ adding £100s to energy bills; civil liberties are being curtailed; religious liberties are being diminished; ‘gay rights’ are being expanded; the Rt Hon Ann Widdecombe has not been elevated to the House of Lords.
Traditional Tories believe they have glimpsed the elusive ‘Conservative Particle’ in certain education and welfare reforms, but these are subject to further experimentation in the Coalition Collider. Certainly, there is to be no return to selection by academic ability, and the latest budget established that it really does still pay to be unemployed and claiming benefits, which are increasing at a higher rate than public sector salaries. Dozens of Conservative MPs are said to distrust David Cameron’s political strategy and modus operandi; indeed, he suffered last year the greatest rebellion of any prime minister in post-war history.
To try to understand what is going on beneath the froth and bubble, Conservatives have come up with a theory called the Standard Model. It explains three of the fundamental forces that interact at the political level: the philosophical force, the strong policy force and the weak policy force. The Thatcher boson is part of this Standard Model, which is why it believed to exist. Frustratingly, though, it is the only boson or particle predicted by the Standard Model that has not so far been detected. This may be because it is difficult to detect (which is undoubtedly is) or that it does not exist.
To find such particles, it is necessary to collide other particles together at high energies using the £700bn Coalition Collider, which accelerates fudged policies and decelerates Conservative ones. Sensitive MPs at the sites where the particles collide are designed to monitor the tell-tale signs of a Thatcher boson. There are about 80 such detectors searching at high energy levels. Unfortunately, there is a lot of ‘noise’ coming from other liberal particles and coalition collisions which can mask the existence of the Thatcher boson. Sophisticated statistical analysis is the only way of improving the certainty that a Thatcher boson has truly been detected. The search continues.