Monday, January 09, 2012

The quest for the elusive ‘Conservative Particle’ in the Coalition Collider

Buried deep beneath the British political fray there is an ongoing search for the elusive Thatcher boson – a composite ‘Conservative Particle’ with integer spin which can only be seen at great distance. The Coalition Collider is the most powerful political decelerator ever conceived. It is capable of perpetuating the very conditions last seen in the country a billionth of a second after the last General Election, when political potency was consumed by a vast vacuum. It permits Conservatives to study the fundamental ingredients of the matter of which their philosophical universe was formed.

The Conservative Party under David Cameron is intent on using the full force of the state to control wages (of bankers) and prices (of alcohol); they penalise enterprise with a high 50p rate of income tax; continue to volunteer the surrender of domestic policy to European Union competence; fail to defend British interests in talks over a new European Union treaty; have made it easier to concrete over swathes of the British countryside; are undermining marriage and the family; have given us a defence review which leaves us with aircraft carriers but no aircraft; are bequeathing a dog’s breakfast of constitutional reform in the House of Lords; and appear to have lost all confidence of the union of the United Kingdom.

David Cameron has done more than any Conservative leader since the nineteenth century to centralise the internal workings of his own party. Taxes are increasing; total government spending continues to rise; the national debt continues to rise; interest payments continue to rise; contributions to the European Union continue to rise; the private sector is forecast to contract while the public sector grows; mass immigration continues unchecked; illegal immigrants are no longer routinely finger-printed; billions of pounds are being committed to combat ‘man-made global warming’ adding £100s to energy bills; civil liberties are being curtailed; religious liberties are being diminished; ‘gay rights’ are being expanded; the Rt Hon Ann Widdecombe has not been elevated to the House of Lords.

Traditional Tories believe they have glimpsed the elusive ‘Conservative Particle’ in certain education and welfare reforms, but these are subject to further experimentation in the Coalition Collider. Certainly, there is to be no return to selection by academic ability, and the latest budget established that it really does still pay to be unemployed and claiming benefits, which are increasing at a higher rate than public sector salaries. Dozens of Conservative MPs are said to distrust David Cameron’s political strategy and modus operandi; indeed, he suffered last year the greatest rebellion of any prime minister in post-war history.

To try to understand what is going on beneath the froth and bubble, Conservatives have come up with a theory called the Standard Model. It explains three of the fundamental forces that interact at the political level: the philosophical force, the strong policy force and the weak policy force. The Thatcher boson is part of this Standard Model, which is why it believed to exist. Frustratingly, though, it is the only boson or particle predicted by the Standard Model that has not so far been detected. This may be because it is difficult to detect (which is undoubtedly is) or that it does not exist.

To find such particles, it is necessary to collide other particles together at high energies using the £700bn Coalition Collider, which accelerates fudged policies and decelerates Conservative ones. Sensitive MPs at the sites where the particles collide are designed to monitor the tell-tale signs of a Thatcher boson. There are about 80 such detectors searching at high energy levels. Unfortunately, there is a lot of ‘noise’ coming from other liberal particles and coalition collisions which can mask the existence of the Thatcher boson. Sophisticated statistical analysis is the only way of improving the certainty that a Thatcher boson has truly been detected. The search continues.

42 Comments:

Blogger Larks Tongues in Aspic said...

And there's me thinking one finds a bosun on a ship!

9 January 2012 at 09:48  
Blogger non mouse said...

Well that's the problem when you bring Indian words into English. The word has no essential meaning to us, so spelling is unstable.

9 January 2012 at 10:00  
Blogger Gnostic said...

There is no way Cast Iron's Large EU Hardon Collider will ever detect that elusive particle, Your Grace. The machine has been programmed to ignore anything that vaguely looks like a Thatcher bosun.

WV mockif :D

9 January 2012 at 10:00  
Blogger Gnostic said...

That's boson of course...

9 January 2012 at 10:01  
Blogger non mouse said...

PS: brilliant, Your Grace.

Maybe they're looking in the post '70s counties for the elusive bos'n?
The boundary changes could be confusing for people who don't know what this country really is...

9 January 2012 at 10:02  
Blogger non mouse said...

Sorry to post again, but with all this electronic buzzing: Is there the remotest chance of their finding the thing in the BOOzone? That's the last place the govt's likely to look, after all.

9 January 2012 at 10:11  
Blogger graham wood said...

"Traditional Tories believe they have glimpsed the elusive ‘Conservative Particle’"

Cranmer. An exciting discovery of one of these was found by the Collider, and immediately defined as a "marriage particle".

However, on closer examination by our scientific team, the particle was seen to be 'hosting'one even smaller fudged particle, a sort of parasitic element, and this has now been officially named as the "gay marriage" particle.
It is believed this has good 'marketing' potential and is expected to be fully developed in 2012.

9 January 2012 at 10:19  
Blogger Rebel Saint said...

Excellent writing Cranmer.

The discovery of the elusive Thatcher Boson particle would bring untold economic energy, all that is being discovered is more of the dreaded Political Bolox particle.

9 January 2012 at 10:23  
Blogger IanCad said...

Be of good cheer YG.
The Anti-Thatcher Boson is clear evidence that things will revert to their former happy condition.
The laws of the Conservation of Energy dictate that the mysterious force that changed the Thatcher Boson into its opposite still exists and will eventually reverse the current sorry state of physics.

9 January 2012 at 10:27  
Blogger Sam Vega said...

"And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's boson"

Luke 16:22

9 January 2012 at 10:39  
Blogger Jon said...

Oh, Graham Wood, you are a (t)wit.

9 January 2012 at 10:46  
Blogger Jon said...

Incidentally, YG, Boris takes the opposite line from you in the Telegraph this morning on the control of executive pay (which I assume was what you were referring to line 2 para 2) vis a vis Thatcher's probable view on the matter, and, indeed the protestant work ethic versus the old boys' club.

I wonder, perhaps, if the Thatcher particle is so hard to detect because even those of you who believe wholeheartedly in it don't know what it looks like, dispute its properties, and indeed its effects in the universe?

9 January 2012 at 11:01  
Blogger Oswin said...

... none of which, Your Grace, excuses that juddering, jiggering, irritating banner, at the top of your blog page. Whichever button one presses in the hope that it might disappear, just encourages it all the more to try and flog me an Apple iphone! Grrrr.

9 January 2012 at 11:18  
Blogger Hereward said...

The Conservative Standard Model appears to have overlooked the unforeseen events force. An erratic particle whose chaotic orbit upsets political apple-carts, causing consternation amongst those who seem to think they are in control and considerable amusement for a sceptical electorate.

9 January 2012 at 12:08  
Blogger Mr Integrity said...

Your Grace;
Are you sure you are not chasing the elusive Pimpernel? As much as I admired Margaret in her time, we have all moved on. Some of her principles and policies are still of value but they are now ‘free radicals’. What we should be looking for might be found in the back woods of the Westminster Collider where free and controlled radicals mutate in the bosonic field. These quantum fields of bosons should be obeying canonical comutation relations, but I see no observance of canonical scripture. However, relations within the Westminster Collider are seriously strained and a collision of Lib-Con boson particle Photons is imminent. The Gluons will win the as they are the stronger force but who are they? Are they Klingons in disguise?
Just as Denominations become abominations after the demise of their founder, so to, great leaders end up as particle memories in the mind of their admirers. Yes remember the good that they did. Yes remember their great ideas. But no matter how much wishful thinking, you can’t revive that which is past. A phoenix can rise from the ashes but it is a new creation, like the old bird, but not the old bird.

9 January 2012 at 13:27  
Blogger Berserker said...

The Scotland Independence, Stop Squark the hypothetical particle partner of the Top Quark (dear old Blighty, don't you know) is thought to have a low mass and be very lightweight.. Dave of the public school Charm (ha! ha!) wants a Referendum on Independence to be decided pretty damn quick. What's his game?

Personally, I'm all for getting rid of the squawking Scots Squark. Then the Northern Ireland lot of mad Leptons. Then there's those strange Antiquarks living in Cardiff.

String theory? How long is a piece of string, Dave? Well, draw a line diagonally from King's Lynn to Land's End and call it New Wessex. Muons would all vote for that!

9 January 2012 at 14:31  
Blogger Anabaptist said...

Students of the history of physics will recognise a great similarity between the Cameron approach and a long-discredited, pre-quantum (not to say, antique) approach to particle physics known as a PIP.

The PIP theory had been deployed chiefly by Labour physicists, such as Harold Wilson, but was then (under pressure from mediaevally-inclined trade union leaders) imitated by Edward Heath in a complete reversal (a U-turn) of what had previously been accepted by his adoption of the Selsdon theory.

PIP, by the way, stands for Prices and Incomes Policy.

9 January 2012 at 15:06  
Blogger DeeDee99 said...

When you are seeking something, it is best not to pre-judge where it may be found.

The Thatcher boson is certainly there but you need to look in UKIP to detect it.

9 January 2012 at 16:56  
Blogger Mr Integrity said...

DeeDee99; UKIP don't have their eye on the ball. Their vision is fixed on the horizon and are more likely to trip over anything of virtual reality. Thatcher Bosun definately not out there.

9 January 2012 at 17:10  
Blogger IanCad said...

In this discussion about particle physics the Moron seems to be getting overlooked.
Perhaps Anabaptist had this in mind, when, in his last post, he referred to two long dead specimens.

9 January 2012 at 17:44  
Blogger Anabaptist said...

Mr IanCad suggests I might have had the Moron in mind. It's a fair enquiry: there is no doubt that Heath was one of the first of his generation to demonstrate the existence of the Moron, though he did so inadvertently in his adoption of PIP theory.

But we should not forget those other important particles, the Crouton, the Criterion, the Plankton and the Teflon. The last of these is often prized by physicists of the Cameron tendency, but was mostly developed in the Blair Laboratory, with considerable support from Clinton Research Inc.

9 January 2012 at 18:00  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

We need to get very close to Cameron and rub him with Litmus paper, see how blue he goes. If it’s not enough, we’ll try oxygen restriction...



Late last night, the Inspector’s aged fan heater spontaneously caught fire, giving him a Stan Laurel moment. Fortunately, he was in the room at the time and quickly pulled the plug out. Just thought you portable heat aficionado’s might like to know that; may well be your turn one day. Could have been curtains for the Inspector and indeed the Office, but the Devil looks after his own, what !

WV 'redness' !

9 January 2012 at 18:15  
Blogger IanCad said...

O.I.G.

I am sure His Grace prays for his flock as many of us, likely, pray for him.
God answers prayers according to His Will. There must be a work for you yet.

WV. Redness! Really? That's amazing.

9 January 2012 at 18:43  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

IanCad. The Inspector is sure he was saved from identification by his dental records (...yes, that bloody tooth is playing up again...) as he still has much inspecting to do.

So taken aback was he when ‘Redness’ appeared that he pressed the wrong button twice. Had he done ‘preview’, he would have edited out the gap in the lines...

9 January 2012 at 19:29  
Blogger Rebel Saint said...

Ah, Anabaptist is back. Good.

9 January 2012 at 20:31  
Blogger UKIP said...

Major Scientific Discovery

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

9 January 2012 at 23:15  
Blogger Rebel Saint said...

Nice one UKIP. Had forgotten about that.

9 January 2012 at 23:24  
Blogger Mr Integrity said...

UKIP; This is a great visionary discovery. Like UKIP, I'm not sure if it helps our understanding, but a good one.

10 January 2012 at 12:46  
Blogger Skin-1-up said...

Your Grace, I nearly choked on a toke when I read your post but I must council against a premature reliance on observations of what may be a euronious contraption. We must remember that this same contraption has reported that the Speed of Right may have been exceeded, which obviously cannot be the case.

10 January 2012 at 20:43  
Blogger Dodo the Katholikos Dude said...

"The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness."
(John Kenneth Galbraith)

10 January 2012 at 21:30  
Blogger Mr Integrity said...

Your Grace,
One final thought. If the Thatcher Boson can't be found, perhaps a bosons mate could be found on a trawler somewhere in the Political Arctic Circle and make him/her Captain.

11 January 2012 at 11:39  
Blogger Larks Tongues in Aspic said...

Good find, Dodo.

11 January 2012 at 12:20  
Blogger len said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12 January 2012 at 21:00  
Blogger len said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

15 January 2012 at 10:15  
Blogger len said...

Perhaps Dodo and the Inspector could be placed in the collider and fired at each other at warp speed and(perhaps )knock some sense into each other?.

If(as is extremely probable)this fails we could then perhaps examine the 'religion particle 'and see exactly what it consists of (if it exists at all?)

15 January 2012 at 10:21  
Blogger Dodo the Katholikos Dude said...

len

You, on the other hand, would have no corresponding particle to collide with as no one shares your 'unique' theology. There's just your own peculiar dark matter - sola esse.

16 January 2012 at 17:47  
Blogger len said...

Dodo, you really must get a Bible and start reading Scripture.

WV (Bless) and you surely will be!

20 January 2012 at 21:51  
Blogger Dodo the Renatus Dude said...

len

So tell me is reading Scripture absolutely essential for salvation?

21 January 2012 at 01:45  
Blogger len said...

Dodo, Scripture is very useful for weeding out spurious doctrines.

Now supposing I started a religion and told people all sorts of stuff that`s not in Scripture and said I got it direct from God and anyway I was 'infallible' so you have just got to believe me.How would you check out what was true and what was 'just made up'?

Are you getting the picture?.

22 January 2012 at 19:31  
Blogger Dodo the Renatus Dude said...

len
That's not what I asked.

So tell me is reading Scripture absolutely essential for salvation?

22 January 2012 at 20:22  
Blogger Oswin said...

Len @19:32: Len, you've just described Islam too! :o)

24 January 2012 at 13:38  
Blogger Dodo the Renatus Dude said...

Oswin
Please, don't encourage him! Next we'll have a post on how Rome is plotting a union with Islam.

len
You make up your own doctrines on the basis of your own authority. You don't accept the Incarnation, you don't accept the Trinity. And you know the only means whereby salvation is gained. Unbelievable!.

Poor old Nicodemus, supposedly damned by your infallible ruling in your self elected role as Chief Priest Len. And because, in your words, he would have made a good Catholic today.
Astonishing!

25 January 2012 at 22:33  

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