Funeral rites to be made a living right
From Rev'd Dr Peter Mullen:
Following the glorious success of his Homosexual Marriage Act, Prime Minister David Camembert is personally to introduce into the House of Commons a Bill to provide us all with the right to a funeral “– whether we’re dead or not.” Mr Camembert told our reporter, “A Funeral is such a wonderful institution that I want to see its benefits extended to everyone. It’s really very socially-excluding to allow this basic human right to dead people alone. Of course, we in the Conservative party have a great deal of respect for the dead, but we can no longer in all conscience tolerate a system which forces many people to have to wait for seventy, eighty or even ninety years before being afforded the ordinary human privilege of a decent burial.”
It is understood that funerals will not be restricted to burials but may of include, as well as cremations, being ritually shot into space or even mummified and walled up in special thanatos chambers in the basements of one or other of our great national institutions such as Broadcasting House. Unofficially, many have already been interred in there for years. There will be statutory arrangements for lads and ladettes hell-bent on an early funeral to hold the ceremony in their favourite nightclub. More adventurous types have elected to hold their service in hot air balloons and some reactionary, anti-EU Tories – the so called bastards – are known to have applied to the Carlton Club, where a funeral is presently called “dinner.”
There has been a general welcome for the new measure, though Leader of the Opposition, Mr Ned – “dead” – Milipede issued a statement this morning saying that funerals in posh places such as The Ritz or on yachts belonging to Russian gangsters “will not help the promotion of social mobility.” (Insiders see in this comment a sly dig at Mr George Osborne and Lord Mandelson who are known to have many Russian friends) The Mayor of London, Mr Boris Johnson scorned Mr Milipede’s anti-elitism: “Crikey, chaps should be allowed to have their snuff party wherever they fancy. Mine’s to be at Chequers – when I’m PM of course.”
Dr Hieronymus Litjak, Commissar for Modern Services, said, “The new Funerals Measure is very good news and we in the former Church of England give it our blessing. Goodness me – the stuffy old C.of E. has quite a lot of catching up to do with society’s modernising project! Did not the prophet say, “Go ye into all the world and set up focus groups?”
Dr Litjak insisted that people will not be restricted to the “irrelevant archaic language” of The Book of Common Prayer “rubbish such as ashes to ashes, dust to dust… I’ve asked the Synod to produce a Supplement to Common Worship which will include the words, I give you this grave as a sign of your funeral…”
Rev'd Dr Peter Mullen is an author and former rector of St Michael's, Cornhill in the City of London.