Thursday, October 24, 2013

£350k taxpayers' bill to defend Muslim pubes


From Brother Ivo:

It is almost impossible to offer original comment upon the story of over £350k of taxpayers' money being spent litigating whether a disabled 30-year-old woman who will never live with her family should, at their insistence, have her pubic hair shaved.

The young woman herself did not have the legal capacity to consent to this happening, and was represented throughout by the Official Solicitor. The report here will exasperate, outrage, and bewilder everyone who thought we lived in an age of austerity, especially those who imagined that Chris Grayling's denial of Legal Aid to most family law disputes might have seen an end to such gold-plated exercises in political correctness.

Having been listed for 10 days of court time, the issue deflated like a failed Great British Bake Off Victoria sponge, leaving the Judge suitably bemused. Mr Justice Roderick Wood was a good choice for the case and was characteristically clear in expressing his bafflement.

It will be interesting to see the full report if one is forthcoming, although as the case presented no issue for adjudication we may never know much more than we do now.

The response of the majority of the public will be predictable and likely to diminish the reputation of the law in public esteem.

Brother Ivo offers a few provisional thoughts.

There were two issues before the court: whether the young woman should return home after being in continuous local authority care for five years; and whether she should be shaved. The issues are perhaps linked but separate, so we need to be cautious about attributing all the costs to the headline-grabbing issue. There is frequently more than meets the eye to these stories and there may have been some merit in testing the issue of where the young woman should live. That does not usually cost £350k, however.

Be that as it may, there has plainly been an utter failure of case management to bring the principle of proportionality into account. How that responsibility is apportioned may be worth investigating. The parents' lawyers were publicly funded. They had a continuing duty to keep the matter under review and not just spend public funds in pursuit of their client's wishes. The Legal Services Agency would have had to extend the costs limit of the parents and the subject of the case, on a periodic basis. Once each person's case costs exceeded £25k, the matter would have been referred to the Legal Aid Agency's High Cost Unit which is supposed to have specialist expertise in managing such expenditure. They would have required case plans with appropriate expert and Counsel's fees factored in. Did no one there ask questions? If they did not, what exactly is their purpose?

The Local Authority had their own in-house lawyers and outside Counsel to advise. They should be mindful of both public costs and the scarcity of Court time. As the merits of the case ebbed toward the parents' surrender, they might have been raising concerns both in liaison with the other parties and by putting the matter before the Court of their own motion, inviting the Court to make a bold case management call.

It is not clear whether ED, the person under disability, was represented by external lawyers or the Official Solicitor's staff. Whoever represented, other minds were fully aware of the facts and merits of the case. They, too, had an independent duty to consider whether the dispute was being properly case managed.

It may be reasonable to have spent some money on the matter, but there can have been no excuse to have delayed securing the evidence of the "cultural expert" whose unchallenged evidence was that there was no religious imperative to comply with the cultural norm of depilation in the case of a woman lacking personal decision-making capacity. Once that evidence became "unchallenged", there was no issue to have been determined. Until such evidence arrived, there was no need to expend much on that issue: proving the alleged norm by which that aspect of the case was to be judged could have been addressed within the first three months.

Primarily, however, it was the Court which carried the ultimate responsibility. District judges and judges are empowered and encouraged to take control of the way in which the evidence is collated, the issues defined, the timetable estimated, and the costs contained. Every day, up and down the country, parents are being persuaded, advised, cajoled and sometimes near-bullied into giving up cases without significant merit. "Gatekeeper" judiciary are keeping their colleagues on their toes, allocating cases and monitoring targets set by Ministry of Justice bureaucrats to hit performance targets, and avoid losses like the 10 days of judicial time wasted here.

The whole ethos has become cost-and-time-management conscious. Judges can and do require experts to liaise on narrow issues and only bring matters of serious disagreement for adjudication.

All this seems to have failed. Why might this be?

It is hard to escape the conclusion that this was identified by all concerned as a politically and culturally-sensitive issue which nobody dared to end by an application of intellectual strength and common sense at an early stage. Nobody ever believes they will blight their career by going along with the politically correct zeitgeist. This would be a good case to disabuse our courts and publicly-funded lawyers and officials of that notion.

There is one final observation. At the end of a publicly-funded case, the bills of the legally-aided parties are drawn up and itemised with every letter and phone call logged, every interview and document read or drafted duly time-recorded. A District judge then 'taxes' the bill, disallowing any excessive or questionable part of the claim. There is a wide discretion permitted.

In a case of this kind, it would easy for public ire to be expressed through that mechanism against the parents and subject's lawyers. It should not be the occasion for scapegoating. It is the obvious place for punitive action to be applied but it touches only a minority of those bearing responsibility.

The Local Authority, the Legal Services Agency, the Official Solicitor's office and the Case Managing Judges all stand apart from that process. Public anger should prompt action, but any penalties and consequences should be fairly distributed. If there are consequences after the row has died down we should know, and we should be satisfied that there has been no targeting of those in the private sector to protect the agencies of the State.

Brother Ivo is the Patron Saint of lawyers

107 Comments:

Blogger David B said...

I agree with Bro Ivo.

There is another case going on at the moment concerning a woman who seems to think that her wish should go to church on a Sunday should trump the wishes of any of her co-workers who might wish to go to the pub or to watch a game of cricket on a Sunday.

According to the Torygraph the appeal is being heard today.

Anyone know if that is publicly funded, or how much it might cost the taxpayer?

David

24 October 2013 at 09:45  
Blogger john in cheshire said...

Of course, the fundamental issue that is not mentioned is that if these people were not living in our country then there would have been no drain on our public finances.

24 October 2013 at 10:14  
Blogger Dreadnaught said...

You mean a drain on our pubic finances surely

24 October 2013 at 11:05  
Blogger gentlemind said...

An easy, topical solution: die the hair blonde and insist that the parents are not her real parents... ;)

24 October 2013 at 11:08  
Blogger Ars Hendrik said...

I am almost afraid to ask, but what on earth has the removal of pubic hair got to do with Islam – is it mandatory for women? (I am more afraid to search Google for an answer…)

24 October 2013 at 11:24  
Blogger genghis said...

Your Grace,

Surely the title of your post should have been amended to better describe the body of the text.

To that end, I offer:-

'Hair today, gone tomorrow!'

24 October 2013 at 11:27  
Blogger Henry Wood said...

Did not the Prime Minister say we must all make cuts?

24 October 2013 at 11:42  
Blogger JohnH said...

@David B

I think you'll find that the issue here is that when the woman applied for the job she said she wouldn't work on Sundays and it was OKed at the time

24 October 2013 at 12:13  
Blogger Johnny Rottenborough said...

@ Ars Hendrik (11:24)—Shaving pubic hair is sunnah for Muslims, sunnah being the practices followed by Mohammed, Islam’s perfect man (no sniggering at the back). I’m not clear whether shaving body hair is required or optional. Islamic law, in the shape of section e4.1 of Reliance of the Traveller says:

(3) for those used to it, to pluck away the hair of the underarms and nostrils, though if plucking the underarms is a hardship, then shaving them; and to shave the pubic hair.

When travelling in Yemen, Jonathan Raban met a cosmetics salesman who ‘had struck it lucky with depilatory cream.’ In his 1979 book Arabia through the Looking Glass, Raban writes:

   For several weeks he had been travelling with an assorted batch of cosmetics. Since nearly all the domestic shopping in Yemen is done by men, he had found it difficult to rid himself of his stock of lipsticks, powder puffs and cakes of eye-shadow. Then, in a store in Hodeida on the Red Sea coast, he had made his great discovery. The shopkeeper had brushed aside everything else in his case and seized on a tube of depilatory cream.
   ‘Apparently the chaps here are very keen on getting their wives to pull all their pubes out. They’d been using a mixture of honey and dried mud, and doing no end of damage to themselves. The one thing in the world they really wanted, it turned out, was a good brand of depilatory cream.’
   So he had dumped the rest of his stock, telexed for a crate of depilatory cream, and was busy driving out to remote mountain towns and rescuing Yemeni womanhood from the agonies of dried mud and honey.

24 October 2013 at 12:27  
Blogger seanrobsville said...

They're following the example of the prophet. Mohammed liked his females without pubic hair, if you know what I mean.

24 October 2013 at 12:30  
Blogger Uncle Brian said...

Men, too, I think, as well as women, are under a similar obligation. Didn't it emerge after the 9/11 attacks that some, at least, of the perpetrators had splashed out at the beauty parlour in preparation for meeting their 72virgins?

24 October 2013 at 13:07  
Blogger Uncle Brian said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

24 October 2013 at 13:07  
Blogger IanCad said...

David B, wrote:

"There is another case going on at the moment concerning a woman who seems to think that her wish should go to church on a Sunday should trump the wishes of any of her co-workers---"

I think it perfectly reasonable for her to request an accommodation on religious grounds.

We are a country of many beliefs and unless extraordinary circumstances dictate otherwise she should be granted that day off.

24 October 2013 at 13:33  
Blogger Ars Hendrik said...

Goodness me - I will never look at a Muslim woman or man in the same way again.

24 October 2013 at 14:09  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

@Brother Ivo: "It may be reasonable to have spent some money on the matter, but there can have been no excuse to have delayed securing the evidence of the "cultural expert" whose unchallenged evidence was that there was no religious imperative to comply with the cultural norm of depilation in the case of a woman lacking personal decision-making capacity."

I'm with you on that one, Brother Ivo, largely because I think our groaning justice systems need a "systems check" from time to time. This way we can all see just how well or not the process works. And, nothing does the job like novel, bizarre case which is laughable to some and deadly serious to others.

Thus, I would expect a number of issues to be chewed over with this one little case. To wit, the ability of the judiciary to navigate around religious rights of minorities and ways of balancing cultural requirements with priorities of the larger society; financial responsibility, as in who pays for the shaving; liabilities in case of sloppy work or, Allah-forbid, injuries; Sharia-compliant methods of shaving or dilapidation versus hospital-approved ones; who may or may not execute the shaving, on what days, and so on.

This has already cost a pretty penny, so why not haggle over it to the bitter end. When it's all over, say in a decade or so, with all the challenges, amici curiae presentations, appeals upon appeals, migration to higher courts, reclusions, constitutional reviews and Sharia-Common Law interface finagling, we'll have a much better idea of how our system works and what nitwits we have hired to run it. What's more, the comedic entertainment value will provide social benefits if the case is properly publicized, with live courtroom video perhaps. And while we may grumble over the loss to the public purse, the spin-off industries potential is nearly limitless: Sponsored advertising, late night talk show interviews, scores of books and new products from greeting cards, shaving creams, electric razors, novelty gift items, cleverly decorated breakfast muffins....

24 October 2013 at 15:02  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

@David B: There is another case going on at the moment concerning a woman who seems to think that her wish should go to church on a Sunday should trump the wishes of any of her co-workers who might wish to go to the pub or to watch a game of cricket on a Sunday.

@JohnH: I think you'll find that the issue here is that when the woman applied for the job she said she wouldn't work on Sundays and it was OKed at the time.

And that's why you can't be trusted with something as basic as describing a case fairly, David B, much less with presenting a sensible position. Anything to further your radical secularist agenda, in this case by equating a normative tradition and religious rights with your entertainment tastes. Fortunate is Albion not to have you in a position of power; it's bad enough that you're even allowed to vote.

24 October 2013 at 15:31  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Your Grace

Best cynical laugh for ages?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/energy/10402013/Why-wont-the-Tories-stand-up-to-the-energy-companies.html

Were my eyes deceiving me? Ms Carolin Flint in lavish praise of Mrs T.
April 1st?..checked calendar. NO!

However the rub is the denial of the years 97-2010 when they, Lie-bores, had the power and opportunity over energy policy and to correct anomalies they supposedly spotted under John Major..Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing but a dangerous tool in the hands of professional liars?!

Trying to beat Camoron with the Thatcher stick. What a duplicitous bunch of chancers politicians are? Priceless.!!

E S Blofeld

24 October 2013 at 15:41  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Mr Blofeld, methinks you landed splat in the middle of the wrong post. Light topics such as energy policies have their place... perhaps with your cronies at the local pub, after you've all lost count of the pints... but if you peruse the post above, you will note that we're discussing a serious issue here; pubes.

24 October 2013 at 15:49  
Blogger Martin said...

I think David B forgets that the Atheist creation myth is promulgated in our schools without challenge because of the insistence of his co-religionists.

If his religiion is granted privilege why shouldn't others?.

24 October 2013 at 16:27  
Blogger Martin said...

I think David B forgets that the Atheist creation myth is promulgated in our schools without challenge because of the insistence of his co-religionists.

If his religiion is granted privilege why shouldn't others?.

24 October 2013 at 16:37  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...



Can one assume this is a rather bizarre and desperate attempt by the parents to inform the local Mohammeds who manage to get, {AHEM} ‘acquainted’ to a somewhat intimate degree, that the poor thing is not available for riding ?

Seems pitifully futile to this Briton, but if it works, one would be impressed, and thankful. Perhaps we’d see fewer vulnerable white teenage girls being abused by their gangs if they were to depilate in that fashion.





24 October 2013 at 17:57  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

24 October 2013 at 18:14  
Blogger Uncle Brian said...

OIG,

But where are we to draw the bikini line?

24 October 2013 at 18:16  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

The facts and judgement of the original Mba/Merton appeal tribunal case are available online here:

http://www.employmentappeals.gov.uk/Public/Upload/12_0332fhwwSBSM.doc

"8. When the Claimant was offered the job she understood that a promise had been made to her that she need not work Sunday shifts. Management thought that it had said it was not possible to alter the rota arrangements we have described, but recognised that it was likely to be possible that the rota could be worked so that the Claimant could work every Saturday and have every Sunday as a day off. This fell short of a promise never to require the Claimant to work on Sunday - but it was an offer to take reasonable steps to accommodate her wishes at least in the short term. The Tribunal accepted that the employer’s version was correct."

24 October 2013 at 18:19  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

An understandable assumption, Inspector, however one limited to your own cultural assumptions. The situation is very likely quite the opposite of what you assume it to be and thus your well-meaning counsel would, unintentionally, put England's ladies of all ages and backgrounds in grave danger. You may take instead Mr Seanrobsville's blunt analysis to the bank: They're following the example of the prophet. Mohammed liked his females without pubic hair, if you know what I mean. For certes you know what he means. Yes, indeed, allow me to say it for you: GOOD HEAVENS !!!!

24 October 2013 at 18:25  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Very good, Danjo; you did your homework and gave us even more detail. Doesn't help David B's insipid conclusion and jejune approach to employment and contract law one bit, though. Do help your self to a hobnob from the cookie jar on the kitchen counter by the stove on you way out.

24 October 2013 at 18:32  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Just a moment men – we know that most of our muslims in the UK come from primitive societies that were around long before Islam conquered them. So, with that in mind, there may well be some residue of the old culture still around. Many peoples consider the appearance of pubic hair to be an acceptable age of consent, such as the Roma. For all we know, the lack of it on an individual makes the idea of sexual activity with them taboo.

A look of aghast from the man and him running screaming out of the room ?

24 October 2013 at 18:47  
Blogger Uncle Brian said...

Danjo & Avi:

"she understood that a promise had been made [. . .] Management thought that it had said [. . .]it was an offer to take reasonable steps [. . .]The Tribunal accepted that the employer’s version was correct."

As Sam Goldwyn is supposed to have said, a verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Whether it's an exemption for medical reasons or religious reasons or any other, is it really beyod the abilities of the employer and employee alike to draw up a written contract? In this case, presumably, if the woman had asked for her exemption to be spelt out in writing, management would have said No, and that would have left no margin for doubt. So the trouble and expense of legal action would have been spared. Not so good for the lawyers, maybe, but surely an advantage for both parties.

24 October 2013 at 18:49  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Not that I'm much of a fan of frontbums anyway but the idea of a hairless one gives me the heebie jeebies.

24 October 2013 at 18:50  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

All good assumptions, Inspector, but I fear your mind resists what is for you and most of us is repulsive and therefore unimaginable. As evidence, allow me to present the case of Mohammed, who married one of his favourite wives, Aisha, at the ripe old age of 7 (seven, sic.), but being the gentleman we know him as, subdued his passions and patiently waited until she reached the full age of majority and informed consent...nine. As supplementary evidence, vide existing age of majority laws and conventions throughout the Islamic world.

24 October 2013 at 18:56  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Brian: "So the trouble and expense of legal action would have been spared."

The notorious CLC and their prize human rights lawyer are 'supporting' her by the look of it. That said, I don't recall ever seeing him winning one of these cases but hey. If it remains a case particular to its circumstances then it's naught to me. Good luck to her. However, if it is used to try to establish a general right then I expect her supporters will be providing a 'useful idiot' function to some Muslims who will no doubt want to establish more obligations on others for their religious wants.

24 October 2013 at 19:00  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

That’s it Avi, a fellows off. Perhaps doing the washing up will help forget this dismal post...

24 October 2013 at 19:01  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

A good point, Uncle Brian. Here, in Canada, the employer is expected to provide a good and detailed job description, which when push comes to a shove, serves rather nicely as a contract or at least a memorandum of understanding. Employers prefer to be vague, though, as they typically imagine themselves as clever tycoons and like to pile on as much work and duties as they think they can get away with. So, here, even a sleepy articling student would have screwed the employer and obtained a settlement even before the discovery stage.

24 October 2013 at 19:03  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Happy Jack has never heard of this so he asked Jeeves who knows lots of things - or knows a man who does.

This what Happy Jack has learned.

This man Muhammad has said, “The fitrah is five things: circumcision, trimming the moustache, cutting the nails, plucking the armpit hairs and shaving the pubic hairs.”

Now Jack cuts his nails and trims his beard but leaves these other things alone!

Another man said: "It is a Sunnah to remove the pubic hair and hair under the armpits for the purposes of general hygiene and cleanliness. Hair in such areas is considered unwanted. It is makruh to let them grow for more than forty days.”

Happy Jack does not have time now to look up these funny words as he wants to cook his dinner.

24 October 2013 at 19:12  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Well there you have it. Islam is an all controlling thing. Just as well colonic irrigation wasn’t around in Mohammed’s time, what !

Yes, it’s back to the washing up...

24 October 2013 at 19:20  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Wait, wait, not so fast with the dish towels yet, Inspector! Along with colonic irrigation one is apparently advised to engage in nasal cavity flossing with a strip of cloth. Think about that one as you try to wash your tea set with shaky hands.

24 October 2013 at 19:28  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...


Anything about ear wax Avi ?

The Inspector has a gift of producing ample amounts. Enough to make a small candle. Ruined many a child’s birthday though when he does his trick “now you don’t see it stuck in the cake, now you do”...


24 October 2013 at 19:34  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Happy Jack thinks the Inspector and Avi are making too much fun and being unkind.

Jack knows a Turkish barber and every so often Jack calls on him. He thinks he is a good man. He has had a lot of sorrow in his life too. He always a warm towel on Jack's face and uses a very sharp blade to shave him. He burns Jack's ear and nose hair away with a small cotton bud that has lighter fuel on it. It does not hurt at all. He also trims Jack's eyebrows. This was scary the first time!

Jack asked him about this and was told this man's God puts it in all our hearts to respect our bodies and look after them and we should remove unnecessary hair. He leaves Jack's armpits alone and his hair that is 'down there'.

Happy Jack likes this man. He doesn't take money from Jack. Instead he asks Jack to give his floor a quick sweep and empty his bin. Then he gives Jack a cup of very strong coffee with when he isn't busy talks and jokes with Jack.

24 October 2013 at 19:43  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

That's quite a, uh, gift there, Inspector (blanch). Now that I'm over the impact of your unconventional production report, I note an idle capacity with promising commercial implications. I'm thinking Hannukkah candles for the Judaica stores for the upcoming season, assuming you can
crank up production in time. Thereafter, there's always the novelty birthday candle set, which we can place on eBay right beside the human breast milk offers.

Relax, Happy Jack, we're not discussing your barber. Anyone who can pull such a cool trick with nose and ear hairs has earned his place of honour anywhere in the Western Civilization. Now, as for the ingredients for that strong, no doubt burnt-tasting coffee....

24 October 2013 at 20:05  
Blogger Mrs Proudie of Barchester said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

24 October 2013 at 20:11  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Your access to the chambers of power and insider information are invaluable, Mrs P. And no doubt Sir Abraham's august and concise judgment on the matter carries much weight, but keep in mind that all's not over for Mr Slope until the Pubes Case in question here sets precedent and Mr Slope proceeds to test the tax status of the Brazilian in the courts. One must always hold on to hope.

24 October 2013 at 20:27  
Blogger The Gray Monk said...

There are, to western understanding, some very strange practices in many non-western, non-Christian countries. Many of the Islamic ones - halaal slaughter, ritual cleansing, shaving body hair, etc., are probably related to hygiene in areas where water is scarce and washing not a regular option, but there is surely no need to continue some of them when removed from the desert.

The case raised by another commentator, of the lady required to work on Sundays flies in the face of promises made in Parliament during the debates on the passage of the legislation to make Sunday a normal working day - to whit, that the legislation provided 'safeguards' to prevent anyone being compelled to work on a Sunday. The only problem being that the safeguard in the legislation is unenforcable and employers now routinely simply state that they give the statutory two days off in seven, though these may or may not coincide with a Saturday or Sunday. Essentially, if you want a job, you'll work on Sundays. Another wonderful triumph of politics, secularism and profits over conscience and the practice of faith.

24 October 2013 at 20:37  
Blogger Mrs Proudie of Barchester said...

Signora Neroni says it's not that sort of Brazilian...whatever does she mean?

24 October 2013 at 20:42  
Blogger Darter Noster said...

It might seem like a waste of taxpayers' money, but the issue of what can be done to people without the capacity to give informed consent is extremely important, even if the actual action involved seems minor.

I do not doubt that there were ways in which this case could have been handled more sensibly, but the rights of those who cannot speak for themselves are one of the most important things a covilised society can uphold and should therefore never be taken lightly.



24 October 2013 at 21:02  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Avi, Happy Jack is relaxed and is sure his coffee is made from pure ground beans alone.

Happy Jack wonders if you can help him. This has been bothering him. Is Danjo a lesbian lady? He thought she was flirting with the Inspector a few days ago when she winked at him on one of the stories. Then the Inspector called her a homosexual. Now she says she doesn't like "frontbums" which women have. Happy Jack is very confused about all this.

24 October 2013 at 21:10  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...


You are an astute fellow, Happy Jack, DanJ0 is indeed an oddball. However, he is male, though he is is partial to ‘ladies things’ if you catch this man’s drift...

24 October 2013 at 21:21  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Oh dear, we have two emergencies.

First, the gentle Lady of Barchester suffers from a misunderstanding of the term "Brazilian." Not to offend her sensibilities and sensitivities and perhaps cause her to swoon so soon after tea, I pray she will accept a vague explanation. A "Brazilian" in contemporary urban jargon refers to a hair style on a part of the body other than the head. 'Nuff said from this man.

Secondly, Happy Jack's puzzlement. According to DanJo, and to the best of my understanding, he is a male and a homosexual, or Gay, as he may prefer the term. The rest is the dynamics of jockeying for dominance, witticisms, sub-telluric under-currents, innuendos, opaque insults and all the stuff one encounters on blogs. Just like in real life.

Anyhow, greetings, Grey Monk, long time no see! This month and possibly the next two months I'm taking a break from the highways as I work on four extensive commerce websites at once. With four monitors, two computers, a server, laptop and a smartphone going, I find myself incessantly diverted by His Grace's site and I'll have to find a way to stop taking peeks to see whether something interesting's popped up...such as your sudden appearance and your post. So, here I goes....

Horsing around aside, I actually think such cases, like the Pubes Case, deserve serious attention...it just so happens this one's crying for comedy routines and the budget appears to have been bungled. But I, who avail myself of religio-cultural tolerances regarding dietary laws, days of rest, funny hats, odd hair issues and dangling tassels will not, for one, seek to limit others' enjoyment of their own oddities....as long as they don't impinge on the rights of others, of course.

While you have a point that many customs arose out of practical considerations, you need to know that others are quite inexplicable and appear to have no practical use whatsoever. I would therefore argue that their current utility status or lack thereof should not be criterion for our acceptance of them.

Nevertheless, a similar situation arose here in Canada when Sunday Laws were ended for commercial benefit and popular demand by a secular public...not to accommodate other religions and cultures as some narrow-minded pricks grumbled. Not that I complain, though, as I keep the Jewish Sabbath and having Sundays to shop is very useful (well, for my wife and daughter, unfortunately), but, not a year went by with the new Sunday free-for-alls before promises to observant Christians were bit by incremental bit broken, as in time of high unemployment, employers always find ways to squeeze and manipulate their charges. And so now, those Christians who insist on their seventh day find themselves in the same spot we, the minority within a Jewish minority of Sabbath observers find ourselves in, namely to seek employment from amongst our own kind, from large corporations which have the personnel numbers and the flexibility, and from the various levels of government which have enshrined equity legislation and must accommodate. I think that in the end, those of us who stick to our guns no matter what...be we Jews, Muslims and increasingly, serious Christians... will be better for it in the end.

24 October 2013 at 21:32  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

The Inspector and I are both homosexual but I most definitely wasn't flirting with him. Not my type at all. In fact, he probably has a combined smell of old man and Old Spice. Ewww.

24 October 2013 at 21:32  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Good lord man "methinks you landed splat in the middle of the wrong post." You do something just the once and...that reminds me of The Eternal Truth:

Sometimes you will cry, and no one will see your tears.
Sometimes you will laugh and no one will see you smile.
Sometimes you will fear and no one will see you shudder.
Sometimes you will lie and no one will catch you up.
Sometimes you will fall and no one sees you struggle.
Sometimes you will be late and no one seems to notice.
BUT, FART JUST ONE TIME…..

Take it I'll have to return the tattoo gun back to Argos Extra...Was going to tattoo " Don't mow the lawn" in Arabic..Oh well, I'll just leave the halal comb with the young girl's Official Solicitor, to help tidy her up a bit..
Strange day it's been..It's no longer a question at my age of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like..Then went along to a meeting for elderly premature ejaculators at the pop in center. I left early. *Sniggers*

Blofeld

24 October 2013 at 21:34  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Inspector, do you mean he is a gay man? Or that he likes men and women? Happy Jack feels very silly.

Happy Jack thinks Danjo is funny. He made Jack laugh when he wrote he wandered into the argument about abortion and said "Woah" and ran out.

24 October 2013 at 21:41  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Hello Danjo. Thank you clearing that up. The Inspector and you do seem to flirt with one another. Happy Jack likes the smell of Old Spice. It was worn by 'Mods' when Happy Jack was a younger man.

24 October 2013 at 21:45  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

"Happy Jack thinks Danjo is funny." Oh dearie me...a newbie in need of a prompt fast tracking course in humour! This should be velly intellesting *Chuckling manically*

24 October 2013 at 22:16  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Happy Jack, DanJ0 is a fully paid up closet homosexual. He ‘likes’ only male types, boys probably. He has it in his mind that single men in their fifties such as yours truly must also be homosexual. Well, we’ll leave that to you to decide...

24 October 2013 at 22:36  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Happy Jack...Funny?

A woman makes it known to her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. ecause he felt foolish she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret etween them and the surgeon agreed.

After waking up from the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the surgeon. 'You promised not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish to the letter and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt morose because you went through this all by yourself, so brave.'

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and sympathised with your decision because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He desperately wanted to say thank you for his new ears.'

or

An elderly gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was packed with other patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, the elderly gentleman noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, MR BLOFELD . I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed fellow. In an equally loud voice Mr Blofeld replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION MY DEAR, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

FUNNY!!!

24 October 2013 at 22:40  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Blowers, those jokes were very, very funny! Happy Jack is still laughing. Happy Jack is beginning to understand that Danjo maybe sarcastic. Jack does not like sarcasm as it confuses him.

Inspector, Happy Jack has never been married and he is not a homosexual man. People have called Jack all sorts of things. It is sad if you are being lied about and this upsets you. Happy Jack doesn't care if you are gay or not. What matters is your heart and if you are a good man.

Happy Jack is going to bed now. This is a strange place and Jack enjoys his visits here.

Goodnight everyone.

24 October 2013 at 22:59  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Happy Jack

A prospective member of parliament was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the hopeful candidate, "I have a proposition for you. You can win this seat and get posts all the way up to Prime Minister and have success at all that you do for the rest of your life. The public will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money after leaving politics.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The prospective member of parliament thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Nighty Night lad.

24 October 2013 at 23:00  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

And good night to you too, Happy Jack. Stressful being here, with strange stuff flying hither and yon, but you're adjusting nicely.

You have been outdoing yourself lately, Mr Blofeld, especially the cricket bit for Miss Hannah the other day, and you're right back on topic now, so your lapse in attempting to deflect this thread with silly conversations about Labour governmnets, Thatcherite economics and energy policies is forgiven and forgotten, Sir.

24 October 2013 at 23:30  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

One for Avi and Hannah

A captain of the Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAY DAY message, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

No answer.

A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the MiddleEast OTHER than Israel!"

Silence.

A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian AirForce # 174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Still no answer.

Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."

"Allah be praised", says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."

"Do you speak Hebrew?"

"No!"

"Then repeat after me: "yisgadal v'yiskadash ..." *צחוק גדול*

24 October 2013 at 23:31  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

To celebrate their successful sell off and it's impressive flotation on the stock market, the Royal Mail has decided to mark the occasion with a special edition print of David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Vince Cale.

Early responses from the public suggest that people couldn't figure out which side of the stamp they were meant to spit on.

Blowers

25 October 2013 at 00:29  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Right, I'm off to peeps now, having me remaining teeth removed courtesy of Kings tomorrow, then Dentures in January.

Looks like it's Christmas dinner alla blender for poor ol Ernst and with MRI scan on monday..What a four days I'm in for.

Last word of Wisdom... Impotence: It's natures way of saying 'No hard feelings'.

Bless all. Hope to see you all fit and well mañana.

Blowers

25 October 2013 at 00:43  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

I know that one, Mr B, and it's still funny...all the way back from '67 when the IDF wasn't shy about kicking Arab butt and making it sting for a long time. What you are looking for, though, is the sh'ma, as in "sh'ma yisrael..../hear o,Israel... /.... שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל which is also said when facing imminent death. The kaddish, what you have in the English transliteration (but not in the Hebrew) is the memorial prayer in Aramaic which one says for a relative.


25 October 2013 at 01:30  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

All the best tomorrow, just saw your dental post, Uncle Blowers. So far Ive only had my wisdom teeth taken out in one shot and asked for a general. I'm a chicken....I'm sure you're not. Drop us a line...perhaps a dentist joke or teo?

25 October 2013 at 01:39  
Blogger non mouse said...

All the best, Mr. B.

25 October 2013 at 02:32  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Inspector: "He has it in his mind that single men in their fifties such as yours truly must also be homosexual."

Oh c'mon now, you know it's more than that because you get corrected each time you say it. It's the obsession, the conflicted mindset of disgust and fascination, the regular need for interaction with gay men, and, well, the misogyny. That on top of the confirmed bachelor status into your 50s practically shouts that you're a Friend of Dorothy. It's only a matter of time before you skip excitedly into a thread waving some Barbara Streisand concert tickets around.

25 October 2013 at 05:40  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Tickets for Barbara Streisand? When? No way, don't joke, really? Count me in! Pocketful of monogrammed hankies and a beer during intermission for everyone, I promise. I kid thee not, no man, woman or child with a heartbeat and a brain wave can keep a dry eye at a live concert rendition of this:

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through that door at the end of the day...
I remember when you couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after loving me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling all right
Well, you just roll over and turn out the light
And you don't bring me flowers anymore....


Oy!

And then of course, there's my favourite of hers, Yentl. What a movie! From "Where is it Written?":

God, our merciful father,
I'm wrapped in a robe of light,
Clothed in your glory
That spreads its wings over my soul.
Maybe I be worthy
Amen.

There's not a morning I begin without
A thousand questions running through my mind,
That I don't try to find the reason and the logic
In the world that God designed....


25 October 2013 at 08:37  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Yo, Danjo, just wondering: You weren't snarking at and dissing a Jewish sister, I hope?

25 October 2013 at 08:44  
Blogger IanCad said...

To add a little to this thread on hirsute excess, there was a picture in the Telegraph recently of a sign outside a body salon advertising Brazilians at 50% off.
Go figure.

25 October 2013 at 08:51  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Begs the obvious: Fifty percent off what? Tra-da-boom!

25 October 2013 at 08:54  
Blogger IanCad said...

A general mowing, a fifty percent clear-cut, one side only.
Oh dear!

25 October 2013 at 09:02  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Pffft!

25 October 2013 at 09:09  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Happy Jack hopes Blowers appointment goes well today and sends him this joke:

"The impotence of being Ernesty."

25 October 2013 at 11:04  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Avi: "Yo, Danjo, just wondering: You weren't snarking at and dissing a Jewish sister, I hope?"

In case this wasn't an attempt at irony of some sort, Steisand is apparently one of those gay icons like Kylie. She's just an American singer to me, her Jewishness never even crossed my mind, nor is it of any significance to me.

25 October 2013 at 11:08  
Blogger Ars Hendrik said...

A little on the late side for this post, but reading this article:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/10385439/Men-are-scared-by-uncontrolled-naked-women.html

I couldn't help but wonder if the feminist freedom fighters of Femen (phew), with their meticulously shaved armpits, are fully paid up Islamists. If so, then God is indeed great.

And Avi – Yentl, now, that was a film…

25 October 2013 at 11:34  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Danjo, ha ha ha! The minefields of cross-Atlantic, cross-subcultural, inter-sub-linguistic communications!

No, it was said in jest, in mock gangsta-Ebonics Creole of the ghetto....e.g., "yo," "diss" for disrespect, "sister" which should have been spelled "sistah", the Jewish reference in parody of the defensive ethnicity of the gangsta subculture. All these years didn't know Barbra is a Gay icon and haven't the foggiest why Kylie is. To quote you, never even crossed my mind, nor is it of any significance to me.

Thought you were referring to her being maudlin and schmaltzy, a "chick-music" entertainer, which she definitely is, but we guys who like her stuff and don't mind a secretive sniffle now and then, don't talk about that. I proudly "outed" myself and I see, so did Ars Hendrik. Come on, guys, fess-up, any more secret Barbra admirers out there?

Happy Jack, I read your joke and at first it looked like a sorry flop. Then, "snap" and it clicked. Good one! You're a cleverer chap than you like to let on; you can safely begin lowering the shields now.

25 October 2013 at 12:57  
Blogger Ars Hendrik said...

On the subject.

The brilliant Mandy Patinkin was in Yentl (he played Avigdor) and also Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride (a film not unpopular with the pink brigade). He is also the enigmatic Sol in Homeland.

Mandy (a man) is a regarded singer, particularly as an interpreter of the musical works of Stephen Sondheim. He also sings in Yiddish (as on his album Mamaloshen).

Let's hear it for Jewish singers everywhere, gay icons or not.

25 October 2013 at 14:20  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Happy Jack said...

Congratulations lad...Not That is funny and that is humour.
You are a fast learner our Jack and I think you'll do fine here.

Ernsty has learnt that there is no finer place to sharpen the wit or toughen the skin than on H G's renowned blog.

There are Israelites and then there are those that belong to the tribe called Erudites that frequent this blog and who must plod on in this world but one must avoid, at all costs, in becoming or belonging to the tribe commonly known as sillis*ites.

Avi and Non mouse..ta for words of comfort..just got back.
10 extracted with local.TEN! Why do they not offer laughing gas anymore as Ernst desperately tried to see the humourous side in all this but was left toothless. *chortles. OUCH*

Blofeld

25 October 2013 at 14:22  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

TYPO ALERT

Now That is funny and that is humour.

25 October 2013 at 14:23  
Blogger Ars Hendrik said...

A post-dentist joke to ease the pain of recovery Blofeld

Man goes to dentist, who says, "I'm afraid I am going to have to extract a few of your teeth". Man leans back in dentist's chair and gently takes hold of dentist's testicles, saying, "Now, we aren't going to hurt each other are we?"

Best of luck.


25 October 2013 at 14:33  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Happy Jack is pleased his new friend Blowers is home and in good spirits. It is a very long time since Jack has seen the words "chortle" and "chuckle". These are good words to use. Happy Jack will avoid this tribe called Sillis*ites.

Avi, Happy Jack is simple not stupid! A flop? Not Jack. Very occasionally he suffers from 'Ascension Deficit Disorder'. Jack did have an appointment once at a clinic to see if anything could be done about this but he cancelled because something came up.

25 October 2013 at 14:35  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Did someone say Babs?

Reminds me of a song I have waited much too long to sing to H G.

You don't delete old Blowers
You don't correct me nonsense
You hardly chastise to me anymore
When you come on this blog
Anytime of the day
I remember when
You couldn't wait to remove them
Used to hate to leave them
Now after reading me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling uptight
Well you ignore me humour
And I worry til early daylight
And you don’t delete old Blowers Anymore

25 October 2013 at 14:48  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Ars Hendrik said.

Most excellent joke and glad to see you are a fully paid up member of the chortling Erudites tribe. ;-)

Blowers

"Very occasionally he suffers from 'Ascension Deficit Disorder'. Jack did have an appointment once at a clinic to see if anything could be done about this but he cancelled because something came up. " By Jove I think you've got it...not the 'Ascension Deficit Disorder' malarkey.

25 October 2013 at 14:53  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Avi

The kaddish, what you have in the English transliteration (but not in the Hebrew) is the memorial prayer in Aramaic which one says for a relative.
Thought it was a sarcastic play on the Isaac / Ishmael link in the joke.

25 October 2013 at 15:04  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

The Etcetera's are born.

Ernsty's Tribe of Chortling Euride Teasing Evangelical Rascals.

25 October 2013 at 15:10  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

"The Etcetera's are born.

Ernsty's Tribe of Chortling Euride Teasing Evangelical Rascals. "

From white belt to black IN A DAY!!Outstanding.

Must remember to keep an eye on you, young man..A Star is Born! (The Streisand link *huge giggles*)

25 October 2013 at 15:20  
Blogger Hannah said...

Hello Ernsty,

Very funny, lol!

25 October 2013 at 15:40  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Ernsty's Tribe of Chortling Euride Teasing Evangelical Rascals ... and Scallywags!

God Bless and keep you, dear man.

25 October 2013 at 15:41  
Blogger Hannah said...

Well I've got to admit, you can learn something new everyday by reading this blog. I had no idea that this was a requirement of Islamic law...

25 October 2013 at 15:42  
Blogger Ars Hendrik said...

Likewise Hannah.

As if the prospect of conversion were not eye-watering enough already.

25 October 2013 at 15:47  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Happy Jack, didn't think you stupid...I've been around the block a few times and I'm not that stupid. ADD, or now ADHD? Tough one; a clinical condition which leads to serious learning disorders and a host of other serious life problems when undiagnosed...an explanatory for those who may think the condition is just a PC term for "inattentive." Have it myself, mild-to-middling, and have a twelve year old kid with a severe case of it, but unlike those of us of our generation who got called inattentive and stupid as we fell through the cracks, hers is getting superb help (for those who are lucky to scramble the money together) and effective meds (for those who are blessed with a decent private drug plan).

Whoa, Mr Blofeld, didn't catch that one, but then, you're way ahead of me with you biblical knowledge...wrong religion, but still impressive (winks and chortles).

Happy to hear you're back and in good spirits. Puzzled as to why you didn't get nitrous. I get it for easy cavity fillings, ask the doc to crank it up to the max and entertain the team by giggling at the funny ceiling tiles and winking at the young assistant, imagining I have her bowled over with passion. And why no dentures until January? Takes a few days, a couple of weeks at most to heal well enough and they can be adjusted six months later when the gums recede...used to moonlight when in uni for a dental therapist friend, helping him make molds from the impressions.

But I must ask: Regarding your Christmas dinner, will you be dining on some commercial mush, baby food perhaps, or will you have your turkey and vegs blended separately, with mashed potatoes? Shouldn't have to do much for your mushy puds that go for English desserts. Not the most appealing thing on a plate...little mounds of mush...but the taste will still be there. Could be worse; in the old days a relative would have chewed the meat for you.

25 October 2013 at 15:53  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

25 October 2013 at 15:54  
Blogger Uncle Brian said...

Blofeld, ten at one go! I am speechless. My personal best is a meagre four. Would it be acceptable to offer condolences for your loss, or congratulations on your remarkable bravery, or both at once?

Best wishes,
Brian

25 October 2013 at 16:27  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Blowers old chap, if you need anyone to chew your meat before you digest it...

25 October 2013 at 17:52  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

There's probably a potential joke somewhere in this about a tooth fairy visiting.

25 October 2013 at 18:00  
Blogger Hannah said...

Hello Danjo,

Whilst I like Barbara Streisand, I'm more into my traditional Sephardi music, especially sung by Mor Karbasi or for cheesy music Shani Lachmish and the fountainheads.

25 October 2013 at 18:19  
Blogger Hannah said...

Hello Ars

Convert to Islam??! NEVER!

Must go now as it is sunset and the candles have been lit and it is time for our Sabbath!

Shalom!

25 October 2013 at 18:20  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Shabbat shalom, Miss Hannah. I've hours to go yet, but work to finish.

25 October 2013 at 18:25  
Blogger Avi Barzel said...

Inspector, you're too kind, but you're not thinking like a businessman. You're on a roll with ideas these last few days and I'm here to facilitate their commercial potential. With the capital windfalls from your novelty earwax birthday and Hanukkah candles, we set up a home visit agency for chaps waiting for their dentures..."We-Choo-for-Yoo-Too(TM). Picture a team of white-toothed, blonde twenty-somethings. Method: Sit on Mr Blowers' lap, chew provided meal vigorously, lean over sweating, quivering client, hair tingling his face and neck, gently plop food into his gaping mouth, like a mother bird with her fledglings would. Business will take up like wild-fire and we'll be running out of blondes in no time. But there must be some albino Roma in your parts, like the Bulgarian ones on the telly, I'm thinking...

25 October 2013 at 18:45  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Happy Jack

"Ernsty's Tribe of Chortling Euride Teasing Evangelical Rascals ... and Scallywags!

God Bless and keep you, dear man. "Aah, wondered where the a.s. was!

God Bless too, lad.

Popped off for forty winks that became four hundred and forty...Serves me right for having ten out in one go rather than five today and five in a few weeks time. I'm only fit for the knackers yard at the moment.

Avi

"Whoa, Mr Blofeld, didn't catch that one, but then, you're way ahead of me with you biblical knowledge...wrong religion, but still impressive (winks and chortles)." That's why Ernst chuckled loud and hard as he presumed the use of Kaddish was swipe by Jewish jokester at 'Abrahamic' claims by arabs, so more sarcastic than "Sh'ma yisrael" Could be mistaken but is more fun if Ernst is correct, don't you think. Jewish jokes (Ernst's favourite gags) tend to have a 'mistar' within the pun that the average intellect seems to miss..Think slowly and you get the whole joke?! Dig deeper and you find a gold nugget hidden.

Happy to hear you're back and in good spirits (I am back but without any good good spirits..Mrs B won't allow until the gums have healed so cabinet stays locked.

Puzzled as to why you didn't get nitrous (Ahem..NHS lad). I get it for easy cavity fillings, ask the doc to crank it up to the max and entertain the team by giggling at the funny ceiling tiles and winking at the young assistant, imagining I have her bowled over with passion (Strewth, Glad I didn't get Nitrous as the poor chap would have been horrified by an amorous Blofeld and would have given DanJo and OIG something to mock a poor old fella for). And why no dentures until January? Takes a few days, a couple of weeks at most to heal well enough and they can be adjusted six months later when the gums recede...used to moonlight when in uni for a dental therapist friend, helping him make molds from the impressions. (They reckon it takes 6 weeks for the bone to settle and toughen and by the time the choppers come, allowing for Christmas and New Year, January looks the most likely ETA of blessed 'Noshers' ..to use the correct Yiddish)

Uncle Brian

"Would it be acceptable to offer condolences for your loss, or congratulations on your remarkable bravery, or both at once?" A quick flick to the nether regions would be more appropriate for being so foolish, I think, Am now regretting the bravado as jaws aching terribly! Thanks for your kind concern.

DanJo

" DanJ0 said...

There's probably a potential joke somewhere in this about a tooth fairy visiting." This kind charitable thing has been stopped by the DWP. You are given £99 quid a week to get by on and anything else would be deductible from any toothless scrounger's benefit.

OIG

" Office of Inspector General said...

Blowers old chap, if you need anyone to chew your meat before you digest it..." How exceptionally kind of you to offer but must most gratefully decline, *Feels chunks rising in gob*

Blowers

25 October 2013 at 22:42  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Avi & OIG

""We-Choo-for-Yoo-Too(TM). Picture a team of white-toothed, blonde twenty-somethings. Method: Sit on Mr Blowers' lap, chew provided meal vigorously, lean over sweating, quivering client, hair tingling his face and neck, gently plop food into his gaping mouth, like a mother bird with her fledglings would."
Please could we just confirm, prior to any take-up of any offer from said prospective business, that the "white-toothed, blonde twenty-somethings" would be homo-felines..puuuuuuurrrrrrrrr not the other..Look forward to your prompt reply.

25 October 2013 at 23:03  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Blowers, one suspects the dental surgery assistants wear a uniform a size too small for them to cheer up old blighters like you...

25 October 2013 at 23:16  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

OIG"
Blowers, one suspects the dental surgery assistants wear a uniform a size too small for them to cheer up old blighters like you..." Strangely enough, he did bear a striking resemblance to 'Norman Pitkin' in A Stitch in Time !

Dear Boy, heard this anecdote recently in the pop-in center..were you the inspector in question?

Bettsie was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Why those little b*$%*&^s!"

Good show, that man!!

26 October 2013 at 00:21  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Inspector goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"*Snorts* Female, please."
"Would you like Black or White?"
"*Coughs* White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused our chap and he replied, "*Sniffs loudly* What exactly does it's religion have to do with the item? It's just an inflatable doll, you rascal!"?
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

26 October 2013 at 01:31  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

How many members of the Coalition are needed to replace a light bulb successfully?

The Answer is 7:

(1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced in the first place,

(2) One to attack and question the loyalty and integrity of anyone who has questions about the light bulb, they are obviously bigots!

(3) One to blame the previous government for even the need of a new light bulb,

(4) One to justify the mass immigration of foreigners into the country, bringing with them a stockpile of East European light bulbs cheaper than the lazy indigenous can make them,

(5) One to get together with the purchasing department of the Ministry of Defence and figure out how to pay BAE Systems £10 million squids just for pointing them in the direction of the nearest 99p store, to buy said light bulb,

(6) One to arrange a photo-op showing David Cameron and Nick Clegg changing the light bulb whilst dressed in white factory overalls with the Union flag fluttering in background, and

(7) finally One to explain to the coalition the significant difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing over the entire nation.

26 October 2013 at 02:02  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

A man saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He jumps out of his truck and heroically kills the pit bull and saves the young child's life.

Reporters from the BBC and The Guardian swarmed around the man. "Tell us! What's your name? All of London will know and love you! Tomorrow's headline will say: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The man says, "But I'm not from London." The reporters then say: "That's OK. Then whole of Britain will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The man says, "I'm not from Britain, either."

Reporters repeat: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

Exasperated the man says, "But I'm not from Europe, either." Reporters asked him: "So, where ARE you from?

The man says, "My name's Avi and I'm from Israel."

The reporters look at each other and agree: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: 'Israeli Truck Driver Butchers Child's Pet Dog."

Nighty Night All.

Blowers

26 October 2013 at 02:25  
Blogger Happy Jack said...

Mrs Blowers in bed with Mr Blowers said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting". He reached over, took her hand and held it.

"Then you used to kiss me," Mrs Blowers said. He turned over, gave her a kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.

"After that, you used to bite my neck." she said. Mr Blowers got up. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth," he grumbled.

26 October 2013 at 17:05  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

27 October 2013 at 00:42  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

At last YG

Thought you had forgotten about poor old Ernst or were just callously ignoring a chap.

"You do delete old blowers."

*Huge Guffaws*

Nighty Night old boy

blofeld.

27 October 2013 at 00:54  

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